[start update]
Every time I think about going back on Thursday for cycle #3, I start crying.
I do not want to go back ever again. And I don't care that there is 9 more weeks left. I wish this would all just stop so I can go back to being normal again.
Normal. And happy. And healthy.
[end update]
Monday, July 27, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
The Betrayal
My body is falling apart. I cant even begin to tell you guys how my past few days have been. This may or may not be a funny post. This may or may not be a whining post. This may or may not be a ranting post. This may or may not be getting annoying - but with all nonsense aside...
So i had my chemosification cycle #2 on Thursday. It was long. They had me waiting for hours because they couldn't figure out where to put me. I met the nicest people that day but that will be a separate post because it'll make this one too long and would totally take from the point. So back to my chemosification - I go, I take pills, I fall asleep, I wake up, I eat greasy foods (Blech, big mistake, will not do again!), I get home. I am fine.
Day 2. No sickness, a little queasy. More queasy than the first chemosification cycle.
Day 3. More queasiness. I threatened to throw up on the boyfriend a few times. Then this is where it gets tricky... remember the couple posts I had below on the marvelous chemo side effect called constipation? Well, oncologist told me to take a laxative regularly so I could go. So I did. Took it that night and forgot all about it.
Day 4. OH LORD MY JESUS. I woke up to the biggest stomach ache in the world so what do I do? I run to the toilet and pray for dear life thinking this is just another episode of chemo and as soon as I release all the contents of my stomach, then I can peacefully go back to sleep and enjoy the rest of my chemo side effects. But NOPE, it was not. My stomach released with FURY. And by fury, I mean blood. Red BLOOD. My lower abdomen cramped like there was no other, it felt like I was being ripped inside by little demon shits I have pissed off royally. I didn't know what to do so I hugged it tightly wishing it would go away. Then I passed out, sitting on the toilet, hugging myself. I woke up and I was covered in cold sweat, still sitting on the toilet. Have you ever broke in cold sweat? Its WEIRD. You're hot but you're cold. You're thinking, did I just walk thru Egypt or run through the North Pole? It feels WEIRD. So while all this hugging was going on between me and my stomach and I was breaking out the sweats like a penguin, I also had the urge to hurl. So i sit on the floor and hurl. What did I hurl? You guessed it, BLOOD (and anti-nausea meds I just took). Then I get back on the toilet. Then back down on the floor. I was so confused, my body was playing tug-o-war and I could NOT handle. I pulled myself off of the floor/toilet and laid on my bed. I passed out. Woke up an hour later, ran to the bathroom for another episode (with blood). Back to bed, passed out, then another episode (with blood). This went on for about 5 times until I realized - um hi, GO TO THE HOSPITAL. Dont ask why it didn't register earlier - I have always been stubborn and a firm believer of "If you tough it out, itll go away". Well, it didnt.
So boyfriend took me to the emergency room and they put me on a mask after hearing I am on chemosification. Walked around looking like I had the swine flu, kinda scared off the rest of the patients in the ER. They check my southern region, take a LOT of blood and more samples than your local Costco on a Saturday. Turns out, the lab is not functioning on a Sunday (CA govt got you too?) so they tell me I have to stay the night. They also ran out of needle access for my port so they had to IV me through the arm. And they gave me morphine for the pain. At first I said no after my morphine encounter after surgery but I had no choice... I was bleeding internally and couldn't take any other meds. Aint that about a...
PS. All this with NO FOOD.
Day 5. More morphine! And they took an xray and CT scan of my lower abdomen. Still no food allowed due to stomach problem.
Day 6. It has been determined - CDIF COLITIS.
Clostridium difficile
It's a bacterial infection that you can contract after human being on antibiotics for prolonged use. The bacteria is opportunistic, and when the antibiotics hold killed the obedient bacteria as ably as bad germs, C-Dif can take over. It cause chronic, nasty diarrhea. The treatment is ironically, more antibiotics.
What it doesnt tell you is that 1) its contagious; and 2) it is a pain in the ass, literally. I have stopped bleeding and the diarrhea has also stopped. My stomach still whirs like a cat on fire but I really have no way to make it go away.
My chemo side effects are back though. Throat hurts, tastebuds gone, fatigue, headache, constipation... welcome back to my day! I hope you enjoy your stay like this guy Cdif Colitis...
Man, oh man. How is it that my 23 year old body is THIS messed up? At 23:
1. I get breast cancer.
2. CDif Colitis.
3. I have a fatty liver.
4. Cyst in my ovary
5.
Im going to leave that last one blank because I know it'll come up as soon as I finish publishing this post... but seriously - my body, at 23, should not be this defective. Maybe because I didnt eat lettuce until I was 16, carrots and broccoli til I was 22. Maybe because I gained weight. Maybe because I don't work out enough. Maybe because I drank too much alcohol. Maybe because I eat the unhealthiest stuff.
This post is starting to turn into a "Post Treatment Resolution"... stay tuned, I may or may not just think about it... ;)
So i had my chemosification cycle #2 on Thursday. It was long. They had me waiting for hours because they couldn't figure out where to put me. I met the nicest people that day but that will be a separate post because it'll make this one too long and would totally take from the point. So back to my chemosification - I go, I take pills, I fall asleep, I wake up, I eat greasy foods (Blech, big mistake, will not do again!), I get home. I am fine.
Day 2. No sickness, a little queasy. More queasy than the first chemosification cycle.
Day 3. More queasiness. I threatened to throw up on the boyfriend a few times. Then this is where it gets tricky... remember the couple posts I had below on the marvelous chemo side effect called constipation? Well, oncologist told me to take a laxative regularly so I could go. So I did. Took it that night and forgot all about it.
Day 4. OH LORD MY JESUS. I woke up to the biggest stomach ache in the world so what do I do? I run to the toilet and pray for dear life thinking this is just another episode of chemo and as soon as I release all the contents of my stomach, then I can peacefully go back to sleep and enjoy the rest of my chemo side effects. But NOPE, it was not. My stomach released with FURY. And by fury, I mean blood. Red BLOOD. My lower abdomen cramped like there was no other, it felt like I was being ripped inside by little demon shits I have pissed off royally. I didn't know what to do so I hugged it tightly wishing it would go away. Then I passed out, sitting on the toilet, hugging myself. I woke up and I was covered in cold sweat, still sitting on the toilet. Have you ever broke in cold sweat? Its WEIRD. You're hot but you're cold. You're thinking, did I just walk thru Egypt or run through the North Pole? It feels WEIRD. So while all this hugging was going on between me and my stomach and I was breaking out the sweats like a penguin, I also had the urge to hurl. So i sit on the floor and hurl. What did I hurl? You guessed it, BLOOD (and anti-nausea meds I just took). Then I get back on the toilet. Then back down on the floor. I was so confused, my body was playing tug-o-war and I could NOT handle. I pulled myself off of the floor/toilet and laid on my bed. I passed out. Woke up an hour later, ran to the bathroom for another episode (with blood). Back to bed, passed out, then another episode (with blood). This went on for about 5 times until I realized - um hi, GO TO THE HOSPITAL. Dont ask why it didn't register earlier - I have always been stubborn and a firm believer of "If you tough it out, itll go away". Well, it didnt.
So boyfriend took me to the emergency room and they put me on a mask after hearing I am on chemosification. Walked around looking like I had the swine flu, kinda scared off the rest of the patients in the ER. They check my southern region, take a LOT of blood and more samples than your local Costco on a Saturday. Turns out, the lab is not functioning on a Sunday (CA govt got you too?) so they tell me I have to stay the night. They also ran out of needle access for my port so they had to IV me through the arm. And they gave me morphine for the pain. At first I said no after my morphine encounter after surgery but I had no choice... I was bleeding internally and couldn't take any other meds. Aint that about a...
PS. All this with NO FOOD.
Day 5. More morphine! And they took an xray and CT scan of my lower abdomen. Still no food allowed due to stomach problem.
Day 6. It has been determined - CDIF COLITIS.
Clostridium difficile
It's a bacterial infection that you can contract after human being on antibiotics for prolonged use. The bacteria is opportunistic, and when the antibiotics hold killed the obedient bacteria as ably as bad germs, C-Dif can take over. It cause chronic, nasty diarrhea. The treatment is ironically, more antibiotics.
What it doesnt tell you is that 1) its contagious; and 2) it is a pain in the ass, literally. I have stopped bleeding and the diarrhea has also stopped. My stomach still whirs like a cat on fire but I really have no way to make it go away.
My chemo side effects are back though. Throat hurts, tastebuds gone, fatigue, headache, constipation... welcome back to my day! I hope you enjoy your stay like this guy Cdif Colitis...
Man, oh man. How is it that my 23 year old body is THIS messed up? At 23:
1. I get breast cancer.
2. CDif Colitis.
3. I have a fatty liver.
4. Cyst in my ovary
5.
Im going to leave that last one blank because I know it'll come up as soon as I finish publishing this post... but seriously - my body, at 23, should not be this defective. Maybe because I didnt eat lettuce until I was 16, carrots and broccoli til I was 22. Maybe because I gained weight. Maybe because I don't work out enough. Maybe because I drank too much alcohol. Maybe because I eat the unhealthiest stuff.
This post is starting to turn into a "Post Treatment Resolution"... stay tuned, I may or may not just think about it... ;)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Part of where Im going is knowing where Im coming from..
[I am alive!] The past week was my 3rd week after chemosification #1 and I have been enjoying it like a regular person. I work, I eat (and abundantly - Im so guilty), I work out, I hang out with friends - I enjoyed the world like there is no other. I knew chemosification #2 was just around the corner and I was just ecstatic to have my energy, my tastebuds, my ears, nose, teeth, gums back. Of course this was all done sans hair. My hair started falling off on Day 15. Slowly at first but when I showered, it covered my hands and my tub. It was gross and heartbreaking at the same time - of course, I got over it in 5 seconds and decided to shave it all off. That way when it grows back, it'll be in one size. EXCEPT for this -
Boyfriend decided to pull certain parts of my hair and thus, created a bald spot. And he decided to do this twice to prove a point! I was soooooooooo mad (but got over it after a while...).
Cons of having no hair
1. It is ALWAYS cold. The Antartica resides on my head - its always, always freezing. I took that picture about 5 mins ago and I had to put my scarf back on right away. Horrible!
2. I look like a pre-pubscent Chinese boy.
3. I didn't realize I was converting into velcro-head. Um, who knew this bald head would stick to everything? Felt like I propped a porcupine on my head and just ran along with it. ;)
4. The boyfriend also shaved his head so we have been mistaken for twins.
Pros
1. It takes me 2 mins to shower. Real deal. I don't have to lather with shampoo, condition, deep oil condition, wash with cold water for shine... Me and the said boyfriend had a convo about using shampoos on our hair - he says yes, I say no - my hair follicles are dead. Eventhough Im still getting used to it. I accidentally put a half-dollar amount on my hand - whoops complete waste!
2. I dont have to blowdry, straighten, curl, style, protect the hair! Woohoo. Time saved: 30 mins.
3. Wigs are awesome - they are styled and they always fall back in shape. What isn't awesome is the heat. And it hurts after a while. But pain is beauty - dont judge me!
4. Scarves are also awesome. I loves. :)
Anyway, enough about hair. I start chemosification #2 tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to go thru the hell-ish feeling again but these are doctor's orders and I must. It lasts about a good 2 weeks until Im completely back to normal so I will update you on how it goes this time. Everybody is telling me that I should see it as I only have 4 more treatments and I am done... and its true. I cant wait and I should just look ahead and not let the bad linger. This too shall pass... :)
What else has been happening as of the late...
I got my lymphedema "preventative" sleeves. It's "preventative" because they dont want to test or do lymphedema treatments yet due to chemo and last time they checked it was only 1 cm bigger than my non-affected arm. I hate this damn sleeve. Its so tight. And another fashion cramper! Someone told me it looked like a prosthetic arm... lol. I also have a Michael Jackson glove aka "gauntlet". It rocks, except that it hinders my fast typing abilities.
I also went to get my blood drawn today for tomorrow. They sat me next to this lady who asked what I had. Told her BC and I am 23. She looked at me like I was some kind of mythical creature and proceeded to say - "Wow, you are SO young!" I went to Pick Up Stix to celebrate my "last supper" and the lady behind the counter noticed that I left the needle access to my port. She asked what it was.
"A needle access."
"A What??"
"A chemo port."
"NoooooooOOoo... No!" (Almost reminded me of stuttering Kristen Stewart on Twilight)
I nodded my head.
"But you are so young!"
Ahhh. I know. Im like one of the few unicorns in this mystery called cancer but it happens. Its rare but it happens. Its sad, its unfair, its challenging, its surreal... but it happens. I sigh. I get sad. Then I get over it... because it has happened and all I can do is be thankful that I am being treated, be humbled by the love and support I never realized I had, be strong for those who wish they could help me but dont know how and be reunited to everything I took forgranted before it all happened.
I swear if I had a nickle for every time I heard "But you are so young!", I would be able to buy 4 wontons at Pick Up Stix Wonton Wednesdays - and it would totally make my day.
Anyway, I have to go prepare what Im bringing for my 6 hour chemosification #2 tomorrow. I wish you could all come with me (just kidding - you all wont fit and Kaiser does not allow visitors over 5 mins!) but because you cant, I shall bring my Twilight DVD and "accidentally" forget my earphones so the whole C-unit would be introduced to the magically delicious acting of Robert Pattinson.
Goodnight!
Boyfriend decided to pull certain parts of my hair and thus, created a bald spot. And he decided to do this twice to prove a point! I was soooooooooo mad (but got over it after a while...).
Cons of having no hair
1. It is ALWAYS cold. The Antartica resides on my head - its always, always freezing. I took that picture about 5 mins ago and I had to put my scarf back on right away. Horrible!
2. I look like a pre-pubscent Chinese boy.
3. I didn't realize I was converting into velcro-head. Um, who knew this bald head would stick to everything? Felt like I propped a porcupine on my head and just ran along with it. ;)
4. The boyfriend also shaved his head so we have been mistaken for twins.
Pros
1. It takes me 2 mins to shower. Real deal. I don't have to lather with shampoo, condition, deep oil condition, wash with cold water for shine... Me and the said boyfriend had a convo about using shampoos on our hair - he says yes, I say no - my hair follicles are dead. Eventhough Im still getting used to it. I accidentally put a half-dollar amount on my hand - whoops complete waste!
2. I dont have to blowdry, straighten, curl, style, protect the hair! Woohoo. Time saved: 30 mins.
3. Wigs are awesome - they are styled and they always fall back in shape. What isn't awesome is the heat. And it hurts after a while. But pain is beauty - dont judge me!
4. Scarves are also awesome. I loves. :)
Anyway, enough about hair. I start chemosification #2 tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to go thru the hell-ish feeling again but these are doctor's orders and I must. It lasts about a good 2 weeks until Im completely back to normal so I will update you on how it goes this time. Everybody is telling me that I should see it as I only have 4 more treatments and I am done... and its true. I cant wait and I should just look ahead and not let the bad linger. This too shall pass... :)
What else has been happening as of the late...
I got my lymphedema "preventative" sleeves. It's "preventative" because they dont want to test or do lymphedema treatments yet due to chemo and last time they checked it was only 1 cm bigger than my non-affected arm. I hate this damn sleeve. Its so tight. And another fashion cramper! Someone told me it looked like a prosthetic arm... lol. I also have a Michael Jackson glove aka "gauntlet". It rocks, except that it hinders my fast typing abilities.
I also went to get my blood drawn today for tomorrow. They sat me next to this lady who asked what I had. Told her BC and I am 23. She looked at me like I was some kind of mythical creature and proceeded to say - "Wow, you are SO young!" I went to Pick Up Stix to celebrate my "last supper" and the lady behind the counter noticed that I left the needle access to my port. She asked what it was.
"A needle access."
"A What??"
"A chemo port."
"NoooooooOOoo... No!" (Almost reminded me of stuttering Kristen Stewart on Twilight)
I nodded my head.
"But you are so young!"
Ahhh. I know. Im like one of the few unicorns in this mystery called cancer but it happens. Its rare but it happens. Its sad, its unfair, its challenging, its surreal... but it happens. I sigh. I get sad. Then I get over it... because it has happened and all I can do is be thankful that I am being treated, be humbled by the love and support I never realized I had, be strong for those who wish they could help me but dont know how and be reunited to everything I took forgranted before it all happened.
I swear if I had a nickle for every time I heard "But you are so young!", I would be able to buy 4 wontons at Pick Up Stix Wonton Wednesdays - and it would totally make my day.
Anyway, I have to go prepare what Im bringing for my 6 hour chemosification #2 tomorrow. I wish you could all come with me (just kidding - you all wont fit and Kaiser does not allow visitors over 5 mins!) but because you cant, I shall bring my Twilight DVD and "accidentally" forget my earphones so the whole C-unit would be introduced to the magically delicious acting of Robert Pattinson.
Goodnight!
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