So long, farewell

Dear Friends,

I hope you all got a good look at my mohawk (its here in case you havent). Do so quickly, burn it in your brain because guess what... my hair has now started falling off!


My boyfriend thinks I am tugging on it (Yeah, because you swear that is an awesome feeling) but Im totally not. It comes off. On my hand. Fairly quickly, I might add.

Can i just say how excited I am that its totally falling off? Is that so wrong? :)

1. Falling hair = Side effects. Side effects = chemo chemicals working (cross your fingers)
2. When my hair grows back, it'll be 200% healthier than my current hair. I will NEVER dye it again after it grows back. I swear on Robert Pattinson! :)
3. I get to wear my awesome wigs (and go on lovely adventures)

The only sad part about this is that I only got to rock my mohawk for 2 weeks... booo :( You all are invited to the funeral of my hair... I will be burying it next to my ranch dressing... :(

Meet Asiana Awesomeface

Me in Wig #1 (Im going to name this wig Asiana) This is what my hair would look like if my hair follicles cooperated. But they didn't so I chopped them up. Ha!

Do I look sweaty? I wasnt - I accidentally got lotion all over my bangs... heehee.

Bookwormathon : Anti-Cancer A New Way Of Life

I mentioned in my previous posts that I have been reading a lot of Cancer-related books and Im going to share keypoints/funfacts/post-it grabbing parts of the books so you can all have something smart to take out of my blog. This section of the blog will be called Bookwormathon and will be done everytime I finish a book.

Anti Cancer: A New Way of Life
David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD
"All of us have cancer cells in our bodies. But not all of us will develop cancer."

Statistics are information, not condemnation.

Serious illness can be a terribly lonely journey. Gentle, constant, reliable presence is often the most beautiful gift our dear ones can give us. But not many of them know that.

In the US, between 1975 and 1994, cancer rate in women under 45 has risen by 1.6% a year.

Three major factors have drastically disrupted our environment over the last 50 years:
1. Addition of large quantities of highly refind sugar to our diet.
2. Changes in methods of farming and raising animals, and as a result, in our food.
3. Exposure to a large number of chemical products that didnt exist pre 1940

Simple recommendations to slow the spread of cancer:
1. Eat sugar and white flour sparingly. Replace them with agave nectar for sweetening, multigrain flour for pastas and breads.
2. Avoid all hydrogenated vegetable fats "trans fats" and all animal fats. Olive oil is excellent vegetable fat.

Finding out you have cancer is a shock. You feel betrayed by life and by your own body. But finding out you've had a relapse is crushing. It's as if youve discovered that the monster you'd vanquished was still there. It had gone on tracking you in the shadows and wound up catching you again.

Today the word "cancer" is no longer synonymous with death. But it suggests its shadow. This shadow is an occassion to think about our life, about what we want to do with it.

"Yes, I may die earlier than foreseen. But it is also possible that Ill live longer. Whatever happes, Im going to live my life as well as I can from now on."

Cathy's Take: Half of the book talks about nutrition and what to eat in order to prevent cancer. It was explained over and over again how certain foods are particularly bad (including items listed above). Also tells us that being happy will cause less cancer than surrounding yourself with stress. The book also tells us the story of when the writer got brain cancer and how he dealt with it. How he accepted love after getting brain cancer, the pangs of recurrence and the difficulty of choosing what to do next after diagnosis... And I understand where he is coming from. The choices you have to face after being diagnosed becomes a burden - there is never just one solid route to go.

Speaking from personal experience, once I was told that it was MY option between having a lumpectomy or bilat mastectomy, I started falling apart! What do I know!?! You're my surgeon, what should I choose so it doesnt come back? These options were my nightmares, I was not at the right state of mind to decide, I hardly knew what they were talking about and the worst part of it all, what do you mean, after all this shit I gotta go thru theres NO guarantee it wont come back??? So then I read more books, I asked more people, I researched the internet (Ohhh this is the worst!) and you read statistics like, "The rate for women under 30 surviving breast cancer is 68%" (I totally made this up, I cant remember what I read off of google but it was something along these lines - and if you are reading this and you found my site off google, please know this is just an example statistic, don't believe it and dont drive yourself mad ;)). AHHHH! Cancer can drive you just about mad. But do not fret, as with knowledge comes power. Send yourself to the library (I do and they love me there, most especially when they collect late fees, those peeps are worse than Blockbuster and they call you everyday!), read *RELIABLE* internet (not wikipedia *gasp* but ACS, Chemocare, YSC, etc) and ask! Do NOT be afraid to ask!!! I swear my oncologist hates when I ask questions because everytime she answers, she makes this sourface first like "UGH JOYCATHERINE I ALREADY TOLD YOU THIS !@#$%!!" but I have to ask... I dont want to walk around with stupidity on my sleeves and be unequipped like "I dont really know..." I have asked her the dumbest questions like, "why do I have to flush the toilet twice after chemo, its not like anybody ever touches the bowl... ?" and as much as I hate seeing the sourface, Im always glad I asked. :)

Medicina

If only it was real that laughter is the best medicine... But its not. And we all still need to use real medicine to cure most medicinal problems (or herbal teas and chants according to my auntie but she is on some higher level of voodoo LOL). I present you, my medications!


This is the most Ive had to have in my young 22 year life span. Took about 3 of those today. I dont know if you can see but I had to write my own labels for them! Yes, I have 5 different meds for constipation. Constipation is the monster of all side effects! MONSTER. :(

Anyway, the few days have been ok. Tons of problems within the mouthern region - the tongue has little bumps and has refused to function. Throat hurts (I think its called Mucusitis) and my gums are inflammed. I may need to go to the dentist but all needs to be approved by my oncologist. I got the prescription for the Miracle Mouthwash - hope that helps tomorrow!

Totally OT but one of my favorite singers released a new EP and it has been on my Itunes since I got it... Laura Jansen's voice is so beautiful and her songs also ease me when Im having a rough day. Buy the EP here: Single Girls on Itunes

What Cancer Cannot Do

From the Pink Ribbon book Miss Heidi from Vera Bradley Foundation of Breast Cancer sent me...

What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited.
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot destroy peace.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot suppress memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot invade the soul.
It cannot steal eternal life.
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Days 5 and 6 have been good. Still no taste buds, ear still infected, joints kinda hurt, port wont stop bleeding - but I am in the greatest mood Ive been all week and for that, I cant complain. Getting my arm sleeve and glove for lymphedema prevention tomorrow.

Goodnight all!

Moment of Silence

Farewell my dear ranch dressing, my taste buds have killed you off. I will miss your rich, luscious taste. I dont care what you've heard, there is NOBODY else (ketchup doesnt do you justice). So long sweet condiment, know that you were always my favorite and that I would give my left kidney just to taste you the same again. :(

Love, your faithful friend.

Day 4: Chemo really sucks!

Im sorry I didnt get to blog yesterday! I was too tired and I have been in constant, inexplicable pain. Where to start...

My bones are sore. Super sore! Like I have been pumping weights since I was 16 kinda sore. My back hurts like I have been doing the limbo. Like I am in knots and I need a great masseuse to unkink me out of my pretzel-like body. With that said, the worse comes at night when I am trying to find a good place on the bed to sleep. Everywhere I lay, it hurts. My bones and the mattress are not happy with each other and I find myself always tossing and turning. I am sleepless and I dont know what to do! :(

I had a bit of a temperature last night - 99º. I was told that if it was to reach 100.1º then I needed to go to the emergency room. It was weird because I didn't feel like I had a fever. It has been 98.6º today. I dont know what to do - I cant find a decent place where I am in room temperature. I am mostly hot. (I am normally always cold)

My ear also feels infected. I havent thrown up, which is good. One of my awesome coworkers let me borrow her ReliefBand and I must say, it has been working like magic! When I feel nauseated, I turn it on and I feel tons better. I had it on all day yesterday :)

Foods that I can eat so far: wheat bread, chocolate muffin, soup (clam chowder, baked potato and chicken noodle), any chicken is DIVINE!, rice,

Foods that make me feel gross: anything tomato-based, anything garlic, anything greasy :(

I am also now dependent on those Mr. Icee Pops because the cure the mouth sores :) Motrin has been awesome for me (Im about to take it after I finish eating!) and the Neupogen injections suck big time.

Thank you to those who have been praying and sending me well messages - I really appreciate them! I can honestly say that going thru chemo is tough :( and somehow makes it real that cancer is some tough stuff... Ahhh... what I wouldn't give for a good orthopedic bed and a back massage...

Day 2

Will update as I get more... for now:

Constipation (sucks hardcore.)
Mouth sores (popping out all over my tongue, sensitive and bumpy)

Thats it for now. Going to go back to sleep. I am so tired from waking up all night.

Added 10:01 PM

My oncologist messed up. They dont have Neulasta at Kaiser so they ended up giving me Neupogen. I have to go back again tomorrow so they can teach me how to self-inject. I am tired and my joints are starting to hurt. I got a big box of Motrin so I hope that helps.

I got a router for the computer and it wont work. *frustrated beyond belief*

No other side effects for now. :) Good night all!

First Chemo - DONE!

I am finally home from the first chemo treatment. It wasnt bad at all! We got there at 8 but didnt really start until 10. They gave me a lot of premeds (benadryl, tylenol, etc) for counteracting any bad side effects like allergies, etc. The medications they gave me made me drowsy so I pretty much slept the whole day, except to wake up and have a light lunch. I left at about 4 PM.

I am not taking Taxol, I am taking Taxotere. Gloria told me the wrong med.

I have to go back tomorrow for the self-injection teaching. I get this medication called Neulasta every after chemo that will hopefully raise my white blood cells. I guess its supposed to kick my butt :( (Dr. said I will feel like a truck ran me over the day after LOL) so I have to take tons of Motrin for the pain.

Nothing wrong with me right now except that I am super tired. Im think its from the drowsy meds I got today. Bought tons of anti-bacterial and laxatives.

Also, have you seen my mohawk? ;)
I need to get used to short hair. I miss it but I totally look better than my boyfriend HAH :)

I start tomorrow!

Awesome reads/vids

What NOT to say to someone who has cancer - MUST WATCH! it will bring you the LMAOS :)
Relation of Alcohol to Breast Cancer
Michael Kors fights for Breast Cancer (he is one of my fave designers in the world!)
What Increases your risk for Breast Cancer

Quick update :)

I got my wig today! I have no pictures because I want to surprise you all when I actually wear it but someone is being a fun suck (aka the bf) - he doesnt like it! *nose scrunch* It was between that or a mid length black curly wig... I took the mom and it was awful - she was making me try on a mullet LOL! I understand that it will get hot and maybe there will come a time that this wig will bother me but I am still 22, still semi-vain, still wanna look good no matter what Im going thru. I refuse to have cancer and give in to the mullet! :)

My mom took me to the mall to buy some headscarves in case those hot days come. For Love 21 (im guessing Forever 21 accessories line) had some reeeeeally cute ones! I. died! I also bought a derby straw hat. HAHA I refuse to have cancer and have a crappy fashion sense! ;)

I also started my Decadron today. I didnt get most of the side effects listed until I actually read that list! Is it just my subconscious or am I really experiencing these? ;P Well, I was really irritated in the morning, about 30 mins after I took the pills. Im never really in a bad mood, everybody knows that I dont actually bitch until the middle of the day ;) Haha jaykay! Also, my feet did start tingling after a looooong day of errands today!

Well I still need to sort the DVDs Im taking tomorrow. Im still disappointed that Kaiser has adopted a policy that doesnt allow visitors during infusion for more than 5 minutes at a time. :( I think its a crappy policy, especially that most oncology centers do it, and this is the first Ive heard of it! I was really looking forward to my "Tuesdays with Cathy". :(

Goodnight all! Gotta be at Kaiser by 8. Will update tomorrow, wish me luck and hope for no wacky side effects! :)

Chemo Myths

My intro to this blog wasn't as detailed as it should be, especially now that we are well in our way towards my treatment. I started the blog as a way of recording my saga and I figured I need to explain exactly what I have so everybody can keep. I finally wrote them all down, please check out the right side of this blog! These details are taken from my pathology report. I can explain the best I can but I do have a hard time sometimes (Not a Science person!) so please consult your med books (aka Wikipedia).

I picked up all my anti-nausea meds today. They prescribed me 4 different kinds. :/ I am only to use them as needed so I hope it wont be as bad as Im thinking. I have a wig appointment at Susan G Komen on Monday.

I had a bunch of questions about starting chemo and here are the answers that I got. I gotta keep researching on these because these conflicting answers has got me confused!

1. Losing Hair
TRUE! A bunch of people are saying the losing hair is not given. Some people lose it and some people dont; however, Gloria says that with the medication Im taking, I -will- lose my hair within 2 weeks. :/ Need wig ASAP!

2. No Chocolates
FALSE! Well... it depends. If it makes me sick, then absolutely no. But if it doesnt, then it shouldn't matter. They give Oreo cookies as snacks - and boy, do I love my chocolate!

3. No Sushi
Unanswered :( Unfortunately, this one still needs further research because they said it depended again, on what makes me sick... but then its raw... so if anybody can answer this, let me know!

4. No Sunbathing
TRUE! The sun will burn me (struggling to not make dazzling, Cullens, vampire or any Twilight reference)! I dont know why my oncologist said its ok to go to the beach (she must really want me in pain) but it is absolutely NOT GOOD to be under the sun for too long. Chemicals can make my skin burn ASAP. Need moisturizer and SPF 50, hat, poncho, iron man suit and all that ;) JK...

5. No Alcohol
TRUE! The chemicals are hard on the liver so chemicals + alcohol = bad combo. My liver might fail :( LOL

6. My Pee is Lethal
TRUE! Unfortunately, these chemicals gotta go out some way. I have been warned to not deviate from using physical contraceptives. I need to flush the toilet twice...

7. No Working Out
FALSE! I am advised to stay active. If Im tired, rest. If not, I can keep myself active so I dont gain that steroid weight!

There will be more but I am soooo sleepy! So stay tuned until next blog...

More Days Like This Please...

I promised to post a lot of stuff today but I got caught up by the awesomeness of this day!

1. Lakers won Game 4.
2. I am not emotional anymore.
3. I finally got registered for chemo!

I start chemo on Tuesday! Although I did get in the research trial, I didn't get into the group that gets the extra "juice" so I only get standard treatment. I don't have the specifics in front of me, I meant to write up all my diagnosis, medications, treatments in their official terms but like I said, I had no time. Sorry! Maybe tomorrow...

I have a billion and one medications and as soon as I get a chance to write them out I hope people that have used them can give me some insight. What to do, what to expect, etc. I also have to start taking steroids...

We are going to be on the same medication, Jacob Black!

HAH! Just thought I'd get that hottie in there to top off this beautiful night. I promise to blog tomorrow!!!

I am waiting...

I have decided to wait until they take me in the Research trial.

I talked to my oncologist and Gloria, they both said that there is a window of 2-3 months to treat a patient for chemo after surgery. So far, I'm still waiting and we're well into the 1 1/2 months. I should be fine waiting. I don't know if that's true but hey, I am new to this cancer business so all I can do is believe the big dogs. Gloria promised to call me tomorrow with any updates. If I get a yes, then I start Friday. If nothing then I wait until next week.

Something is up with my hormones. I have been so emotional since last night. I cry then I stop. Then I get sad, then Im fine. It went on all day today and after a serious breakdown session I had tonight, I am completely wiped out of emotions. Must be time for Aunt Flo's visit...

I had some questions re: chemo and i did get some answers from my oncologist. I wanna post them for everyone to see but I am soooo tired I could barely write. So til tomorrow...

The Trials of the Research Trial

Prepare yourselves for more bad news... because that is usually the only reason I write here (with the exception of my new hair cut lol). So, take a deep breath because this is gonna be long... it has been a long week and its barely Tuesday so please, bear with me...

They wont treat me because...

wait for it...

...

my chemo port is possibly INFECTED!

I dont know if I ever wrote about trying to be in a research trial while doing chemo. Im too lazy to look back on my entries and its a lot faster if I just (re)explain. So I have been told that its better to be in a research trial (if you qualify) when getting chemo treatments. They give you the same cocktail as regular chemo treatments but also the chemical that theyre testing. The trial I was trying to get in had something to do with remission... that if they gave it to me early, what chances are of remission blah blah blah... (Im sorry, I dont remember the fine print)

PROS
1. One on one time with Gloria, the chemo nurse who is MORE awesome than hot fudge chocolate cake.
2. You get to help the breast cancer community with their findings.
3. It may work.

CONS
THEY ARE SO FREAKING PICKY THAT THEY KEEP DELAYING MY TREATMENT!
First, they needed a sample of my tissue to make sure that I was Her2 positive. (Because the pathologists at Kaiser are dumb and wouldn't know the difference between + and -, right?) Wait time = 1 week
Second, I needed a chemo port so they travelled all the way to hell, picked the damndest one and installed it on my chest (this really isnt their requirement but is needed for the multiple IV poke-a-thons and to save the uni-vein in my ONLY good arm) Wait time = 1 week
Third, they are concerned about cysts in my ovaries (or uterus? idk i am not familiar with the southern organs) so I must be referred to more tests. Wait time = 1 week

And now, they are "concerned" (yes, its so RIDICULOUS that it deserves a "" and italics!) about the infection of my chemo port - which means that unless someone in Kaiser says that it is NO problem to treat me with this infection, there will be MORE wait time. I will have to wait until I am clear of this infection. I will have to keep waiting until they run out of questions.

Or...

I can just throw in the research trial towel and go with regular chemo which means I can start this week. Which means I will be done in 18 weeks. Then I can finish radiation. Then go on with life.

I am so frustrated! I have to make a decision by tomorrow morning... and I dont know what to do... another one of those "Its up to you" (like the mastectomy vs. lumpectomy wasnt hard enough)

Anyway, my port is looking better, right? I hope it doesnt really gross people out because all these scars are leaving me with nothing acceptable to wear... LOL


I have physical therapy tomorrow (I havent been doing the exercises dont tell my therapist! I promise to do it 10 mins before my appt tomorrow ;P) and I get to see my oncologist to discuss this chemo fiasco.

---

I wish Blogger supported a cut/jump so I can spare you on the rest of this entry. I am just really frustrated and I dont like venting in person. So you do not have to read the rest, its just how I am feeling...

Since the day I got cancer, I refused to do what most people do when they get diagnosed: Ask "Why me?". Ive been pretty good about it for the past 2 1/2 months - when the thought gets in my head, I rapidly push it away. But all these obstacles - the cancer, the port, the surgery, the mast vs lumpt, the "concerns" of research trial - its hard to be strong when you cant help feeling like you're being challenged or being punished by God...

I have cried 3 times throughout this whole ordeal
1. On the phone with my BFF Susie outside the doctors office the day they told me the bad news, March 22, 2009. About 3 mins to recollect myself.
2. In the car, alone, on my way to see Social Nurse, April 1, 2009. About 4 mins to recollect myself.
3. With my boyfriend, discussing mast vs. lumpt. About 15 mins to recollect myself.

The "Why me?" monster keeps trying to get in and I am losing the strength to push it out... its so hard and I *KNOW* that I am whining, its just that... man, oh man, why cant i get -MORE- breaks? Keep the good news coming, start my chemo, let me lose some weight, no need for radiation, Im cancer free forever... God.. give me something...

And now Im crying. June 9, 2009. Hopefully 7 months to recollect myself....

Quickie before I sleepie!

Writing this on the quickness because I am so tired and sleepy!

Had a full day at the doctors today. Went to see a new obgyn who is checking into my "Cysts" - turns out the right cyst is gone but the left one is still there. He said that it should be ok with my chemo treatments. The options he had:

1. If it was small, we can keep tracking the cyst every few weeks and wait it out
2. If it was big, surgery time!

After that, I went to see Gloria and she said that I should start next week since all these "cysts" have been answered for. However, my port *may be* infected! :( That is the worst news ever, I kept this PFH (port from hell) clean and away from all things bacteriafied!


Its actually a lot more purple than that :( But they did give me antibiotics for 10 days. If it doesnt go away, theyre going to have to remove and reinstall it. UGH!!! Worst news since I found out I had cancer! :( So until it clears up, they are going to have to use my arm for the IV. Oh well, right!

Semi Updates

I know I haven't updated! I have been very busy... I have been going to work in between doctor's appointments and physical therapy. I have a couple updates - good and bad. On top of that, I have been too lazy to write even though I do have a lot to say.

So here's whats been up:

1. Chemo port - they took the bandage off last week. It was hurting for a while but I am used to it. It totally feels weird and bumpy, I feel like Iron Man with the metal heart and all ;) It has been healing well except when I woke up today it was extremely bruised and more purple than usual. I wonder if that's normal? I'm going to see Gloria tomorrow so she can check it out... I hope its not infected or else they're gonna have to dig it out and I have to go thru surgery again and that was NOT like a ride in Disneyland so we'll see if I'll take it lying down the second time around!

2. Chemo Therapy has been delayed! I was supposed to start on my chemo treatments this week but the research people found a couple of "questionable" stuff so I need to do more tests. :( They found a cyst in my ovaries during the CT scan (first time I heard of this since the scan was done, why my oncologist forgot this tiny tidbit has got me baffled) so they need an ultrasound and obgyn appointment to verify that its nothing bad. I hope its nothing bad because 1) I cant take anymore bad news, 2) I want the treatments to start already!

3. Physical therapy - last week, my right arm (where they did the surgery) measured 130 and i couldn't raise it any higher than my head. My awesome arm measures at 160. So after i did a bunch of exercises, my defective arm is now at 160 also :) Awesome right? Lets not cheer yet - seems like I could be developing lymphedema :

From dictionary.com:

lymph⋅e⋅de⋅ma

–noun Pathology.

the accumulation of lymph in soft tissue with accompanying swelling, often of the extremities: sometimes caused by inflammation, obstruction, or removal of lymph channels.

My physical therapist is gonna monitor it for the next couple months but did you know that 1 out of 10 can get lymphedema after surgery?? 1 OUT OF 10. And with my luck, I might as well just be THAT one.

I think that's all the updates I have about me for now. Oh yeah! So the other day I was talking to the clerk at my apartment office (aka Lady that signs for my Twilight packages) and she asked me about my bruise (PFH aka Port From Hell). So I told her my story and turns out she has had a lump on her boob for more than a year. Her mom died from BC when she was 1 (never even got to meet her :( isnt that sad?) and now she's afraid that it might be BC! She's been going to the doctors but they keep telling her its not, but they haven't done a biopsy or anything on her, just saying it out of a hunch - are ya kidding me?? I told her to keep pushing them because if I would have listened to those 3 doctors who told me I was too young... gee, I don't think I'd be blogging or breathing!

So 2 things I realize from this:
1. PUSH your doctors! Fight to get a mammogram, fight to get a ultrasound! You can never be too cautious or too pushy! If after pathology they find its nothing, then get a 2nd opinion if you're still not in peace... life is too important for mistakes!
2. Thank you Kaiser for taking care of me! Thank you to my awesome job for my Kaiser benefit! I couldn't imagine going to any better facility

OK I am off to shower... maybe there will be an update tomorrow after my appointments. ;) Ciao!