im alive!!

In the infamous words of Mike Newton from Twilight, "IM ALIVE!!" (OK, so his words were towards Bella, and he said "Youre alive!!" and it was in the movie but you all know what I'm getting at...) Anyway...

Yes, i am alive!! My surgery went well and I am back to normal. I went in on Monday morning and I wish I could have recorded everything for you guys to see. It was pretty funny! My boyfriend is hilarious - he is the worst hospital company ever and I would never take him again! LOL He almost passed out after the nurse put the IV on me - and he didn't even look! We had to send him out for coffee or else it would have been him on the gurney... It was super quick. I went in the operating room at 12 and woke up by 3:50ish. They said it lasted about 2 hours... I was pretty much in and out of sleep so I could barely remember all those that visited me. They had me on morphine for a whole damn day!! I -hated- that so much! On Tuesday, I asked my surgeon to get me off of morphine - I wasn't in pain and I hated fighting the drowsiness - just let me be awake!


I have had no pain at all, just discomfort. They took out the right lump (he will not be missed!) and some lymph nodes. Doctor said that I would feel numbness under my arms and he is right... my arms feel hot sometimes and when I try to tap it, I feel nothing. He said it may come back but sometimes it doesnt... oh well! I'm not bugged by it, i never used it before so I dont care for it now! The drain is weird. Im pretty grossed out by it sometimes so hopefully they take it out on Monday at the post-op.

I am so overwhelmed by the amount of people that support and care about me! My big table is full of flowers, books and balloons and I have been embraced with love and support - I am humbled by everybody that prays and thinks of me - thank you all VERY, very much.

Anyway, the only thing that is killing me is boredom. I have been bumming around at home watching Sex in the City, Twilight, Millionaire Matchmaker and pretty much most of Bravo and VH1 reality TV. But tomorrow is a new day so Im going to start a new schedule that includes learning Chinese and reading a bunch of anti-cancer books. I will post my reviews, hopefully everyday, to let you guys in on some what-to/what-not-to do cancer-related stuff.

I am waiting for him to get out of the shower so we can watch Changeling with A. Jolie. Im very excited!

saving my tatas :)

Hello all! Sorry, things have been quite hectic this week so I haven't had much time to write. Anyway, here's how this week went and what Im looking forward to in the next couple of weeks:

Went to the see a plastic surgeon on Tuesday due to a referral. He said I pretty much broke the record of his youngest breast canceer patient yet. Anyway, reason I went to see him was that I was bugged by the whole mastectomy option. In case the question resurfaced again, I wanted to be ready. Anyway, he was playing 101 questions with me - he should have just read the rest of my tests and it would have saved me an hour and a half! Nothing was done, he wasn't very helpful so we left...

Went to see my oncologist on Wednesday. I like her but I hate seeing her!! She is not positive and very realistic and everytime I see her, she makes me cry LOL... she turns my emotions out because she's very harsh about the reality of cancer that it seriously worries me... she kept asking me about my decision and by the time we were done, I considered mastectomy as the best way to deal with this...

She also had I have a fatty liver and required that I go on a diet and lose some weight because I could later on get a fatty liver disease... so I am actually trying to eat healthy and started eating veggies and stuff :)

Anyway, i talked to the new surgeon on Thursday and she convinced me that the survival rates between mastectomy and lumpectomy w/ radiation are the same and the only thing they are worried about are my lymph nodes, which are dealt with by chemo. So we are staying with lumpectomy and my surgery is on Monday.

Wish me luck!

Anyway, guess what I use as a great way of dealing with this... so anytime I get sad, i turn to Edward Cullen :) HAHA. I feel like Im 14 but he is so hot. ;)

bottled waters in heat = bad!

Got this from Nicole Richie's blog:

From Johns-Hopkins: Bottled water in your car is very dangerous! On the Ellen show, Sheryl Crow said this is what caused her breastcancer. It has been identified as the most common cause of the high levels of dioxin in breast cancer tissue.

Sheryl Crow’s oncologist told her: Women should not drink bottled water that has been left in a car. The heat reacts with the chemicals in the plastic of the bottle which releases dioxin into the water. Dioxin is a toxin increasingly found in breast cancer tissue. So please be careful and do not drink bottled water that has been l left in a car.

Pass this on to all the women in your life. This information is the kind we need to know that just might save us! Use a stainless steel canteen or a glass bottle instead of plastic! LET EVERYONE WHO HAS A WIFE / GIRLFRIEND /DAUGHTER KNOW PLEASE!

Maybe this is what caused mine... ya never know!

busy week #1

Hi all! Is it hot today or is it just me? We are using the humidifier as a fan... LOL.

Anyway, I know i haven't updated on what has been going on lately but it has just been so busy and I think its going to be a lot busier this next couple of weeks. Here's what happened last week.

So Tuesday, Dr Yap (medical oncologist, in charge of chemo, etc) called me and asked if I had already made up my mind on what surgery option I want. I told her I still don’t know and I will make my decision based on the results of the rest of the tests. Also, she told me that chemo will for sure start AFTER the surgery. I asked her what she would choose if she were in my shoes and she said mastectomy. I -honestly- do not want to get a mastectomy. I do -not- want to lose my boobs. I know that if it came down to it and that was the solution in order to be cancer free, I will choose it but I just want to make it clear that I am against it. I am 22 years old... it took me 22 years to grow my awesome boobs and I hate the anxiety it brings me when I think about losing them... I know I am being shallow sometimes but I don't think it is understandable to an outsider.

It bugged me a lot because I was so confused and emotional and I had to make to make this big decision. I didn’t know when I needed to make a decision so I emailed Dr. Jodi (breast coordinator) and I asked her what she had scheduled for my surgery and she said lumpectomy on the right breast lump, auxiliary node dissection and needle biopsy to remove the benign lump on the left breast. Even though the left breast lump is benign, based on what I have, I should still get it removed right away.

However, this all changes based on the results on the tests I did…

1. Genetic testing = no mutation detected!!! This is good… this means that there is less than 5% chance of me getting it back in the future. However, this is not sure but it is a good chance. My decision of the surgery procedure also depended on this… Jodi told me that if this came out positive to mutation, I needed to consider getting a double mastectomy. But because it was negative I get to keep my left breast.

2. CAT SCAN = if they find any cancerous cells in any other part of my body, they will not do surgery at all. Only chemo… but no results yet, not until next week…

3. Breast MRI = Jodi said that the report they received said that the doctors found an “incidental nodule” on the right breast. He needs to see the CD ROM of the MRI to make sure that it is not another legion because if it is, I would need to get a mastectomy on the right breast. I got it on Friday and dropped it off with Jodi. No news yet.

Jodi said that depending on these tests, if we change the procedure drastically, they may have to move the surgery date. Also, if things work out with the new surgeon, they will also need to move the date as soon as she is first available. I really hope things get going soon because for some reason, the lump is so much bigger than when I first felt it 2 months ago! I think it’s because they have biopsied, poked and prodded the heck out of this lump… Jodi said it should be ok for the next couple weeks or so.

If my surgery date is on the 27^th with Dr. Fishman and the procedure stays the same (lumpectomy), it should take about 3 hours and I should be out the same day. I should take 1-2 weeks to recover and then its chemo-time. They are actually telling me I may be out of work for a month. However, if it does lead to a mastectomy, I would have to stay in the hospital overnight and then 2-3 weeks for recovery and then, chemo-time.

They also had me do a pap because I can’t do it later after I am in chemo because it will mess up the results and come out abnormal. They are also testing me for cervical cancer…

Jodi is also getting me a referral with a plastic surgeon in case we do conclude to a mastectomy (but this would not be until months after I have healed). I have an appointment with them next week.

This week is going to be so busy! I have a plastic surgeon appointment on Tuesday, another appointment on Wednesday with Dr. Yap and my second opinion appointment with another surgeon is on Thursday. If things go well with her, my surgery date will be moved...

Besides being busy, I have also been on an emotional roller coaster ride. I'm a bit disgusted with myself for being such a crybaby but I am just glad that I have a lot of people who really care, love and support me. My boyfriend told me I was the strongest person he knew and I haven't cried since then.

Also, I have been distracting myself with Twilight! :) If things don't work out between me and the significant other in the future, I will be forced to hunt Edward Cullen and force him to turn me into a vampire. HAHA. Thats all, good night!

fighting a battle

Hello all :) I am going to try to write as fast as I can because the fairest of them all (aka the bf) wants to go to sleep and I am still typing.

I was watching Sex in the City season 6.2 Episode 2 when Samantha got diagnosed with breast cancer and when she was telling Carrie about it on the cab ride to Miranda's wedding, i just got really, really sad. I started crying and just crying and I couldn't stop for hours. She described how I was feeling and it was like she was acting on how I was feeling - calm and collected on the outside but really weird on the inside. I took a long bath (with bubbles and everything!), didn't feel better. I tried to text people, didn't feel better. Boyfriend came over, didn't feel better. I started an argument because I wanted to distract myself from thinking about this stupid cancer.

I cried all night, sporadically. I thought I was stronger than this; I have been for the past 3 weeks. Maybe this situation is finally starting to sink in...

But I don't want to keep crying about this... I don't want to feel sad every time someone brings it up (especially some douche in the sales office who wanted to play billion and one questions about the big BC in front of the rest of the sales guys- I don't even know how he found out!). Every time I remember, I cry! Is this because of the hormone receptor that tested weakly positive!? (I don't really know what I said, all I know is I have messed up hormones due to the cancer and maybe this is causing my instant pms)

In the past 3 weeks that I haven't been depressed (or the past 3 weeks I have suppressed my feelings too well), I have been trying to find the good, life changing reasons why I got this and everybody has been very helpful in pointing them out to me.

#1. I have been praying hard for the past 3 weeks and I can honestly say, these are the hardest, most sincere prayers I have ever said in my life. I have always grown up believing in religion, saying my prayers, going to church but after I moved here in the US, after I started growing up (I'm talking teens), after I moved out, I kind of lost all my faith. Maybe thats why God gave me cancer... to bring me back...

#2. My mom and I have never seen eye to eye. We have been the oil and water of the family (me being the water, of course) and ever since she went thru her divorce and started gunning for the 'Manipulator of the Year award', I feel like we just stopped being family. I wouldn't see her for days, she would be so busy planning her mid-life steps to riches and me and James would be very busy playing family. But ever since she found out about the big C, she has been trying really hard to be there for me. She stopped nitpicking everything in my life, she is actually approving and supportive, she is still very nosy although I find that she is just trying to watch out for me... my mom is actually starting to care. I kind of feel bad... we went to eat at Home Town Buffet right after my MRI on Wednesday and she kept bugging me about eating healthy so I made some stupid joke about how I may only have 8 mos to live so she should just let me make my own food choices. I was so comfortable, I didn't even think anything of it but James told me that she came home that day crying because it was so hard to hear. I don't know how much of a reality that could turn into but as my mother, I don't think it was something she was ready to hear.

Im sure there will be more lessons to learn from this but for now, I am fighting this battle of depression (lack of a better term, not like im suicidal or anything, just feeling very, very sad). I'm sure it will go away soon, maybe a trip to Ikea or something...

keepin the good news rollin...

I never liked Mondays until today!

The result for my mammogram and biopsy on the left lump is negative for cancer! I haven't been this happy for weeks! Finally, the good news keep coming and I hope it keeps going until my surgery date!

Anyway, why is it sooo hot today?? We just got home an hour ago at the new apartment and I swear that I am burning up! What is going on with this weather? And its supposed to rain tomorrow?

hoping for luck

Happy Sunday! Im glad that a new week is here - maybe this week will be my week of good news, ya never know!

First off, I went to get to my bone scan appointment on Friday and miraculously, my bones are cancer free :) I'm so glad! That is the first good news I have heard in weeks and hopefully more good news to come. I have an appointment tomorrow for the diagnosis of the lump they found on my left breast on Wednesday... i really hope they say it's not cancer so I can still keep both my boobies...

Anyway, to bring on less-serious topics, the move to the new apt has been successful! :) We forgot a bunch of stuff but I can always come back because James is still there. Of course, there's shit everywhere but I hope when the rest of the furniture gets here I can clean everything up. Im just so glad everything is up and running - i am in love with the new place!

not an april fools joke!

Hello all :) It has been one hectic week for me! Between moving and all these "c"-related appointments and testing, I have had absolutely no time to write down what's been going on. But anyway, I need to keep myself updated so I don't forget!

So I had a series of appointments yesterday and here is a brief synopsis on how that went:

Appointment #1 - Genetics Testing
I paid $30 for a lesson on genetics, dna and gene-ry and how I seem to have been so lucky to get the big C. Anyway, she asked me about my family history of cancer and I had none so we got nowhere. She sent me to the lab to get my blood sampled but I was running late for appointment #2 so I went there first instead of the lab. Big mistake!

Appointment #2 - Mammogram
First of all, whoever invented the mammogram machine needs to be shot (if not dead already). It felt soooooo horrible!!! It is freaking TORTURE!! Anyway, they did the mammogram, then they told me to wait, then they told me I need to take an ultrasound on the left (unaffected) breast and then, she found a 1 cm lump on my 12 o' clock. I was waiting for the doctor to come out and say 'April Fools!!' but he came out and said, 'We need to biopsy it.' Awesome... not! So they numbed me, poked me, inserted a clip so they can later on find it... then it was mammogram time again! WTF. I shouldve just went straight to the lab so they would have cancelled this appointment!!

Appointment #3 - Social Services
Boring... a bunch of brochures for the wigs and counseling and disability forms... she was really nice though.

Appointment #4 - Medical Oncologist
She told me that depending on the result of the mammogram & biopsy, I am looking at mastectomy. But if it's not cancerous, I could still get lumpectomy. I can also qualify for research testing on chemo products due to the weirdness of my case. She also ordered a CT scan of my upper body, bone scan and some more lab work for ovaries and stuff. I sorta blanked out while she was talking. I think it was a mixture of shock (losing both boobs now instead of just one) and just not understanding what she was talking about (BCRCA NWA HERF2 WHAT??).... but Im just glad Jill came with me again!

So all in all I am waiting for another set of appointments and test result.

PS! I am getting a second opinion from another surgeon who has been highly recommended... :) More tomorrow... i gotta go!