post chemo syndrome

I don't know why I haven't written. So many things have happened, so many ideas have made their way inside my head but for some reason or another, they stay there and collect cobwebs. I was working on this wonderful idea that could liven this blog up but I don't know where my energy went. Or my time. Or my efforts. So much things have happened in the past month. Ive taken so many pictures that could depict some kind of "moment" I should relive. A lot of blog-worthy things have happened but I dont know why I havent written.

I don't know why its getting so much harder to write post chemo. Its not like cancer isn't a big part of my life now that chemo is done. I still have radiation which sucks the life out of me. The treatment isn't bad but the 80 minute drive is. I still have lymphedema and my pointing finger looks like a hotdog. I replaced my not-so-likeable oncologist with a likeable oncologist. The new treatment center is working around my schedule. I went to Philadelphia with my best friend to learn more about this disease that took over my life this past year. I learned that soy is bad for breast cancer patients and I have to stop eating tofu. I am finally getting some fuzz on my head. I got sad that I lost some lashes so I went to get some fake ones. Also sad that my eyebrows were gone so I bought some eyebrow shader thingy. Both were expensive and worthless because the boyfriend tells me I look better without either (fake lashes, not lashes; fake eyebrows, not eyebrows). I found out I have to take Tamoxifen. I was bugged by a little bump on my left boob scar, freaked out and thought it was another lump, but it's just the scar being a scar.

I wanna blame my brief hiatus on life. Now that chemo is done, I don't have the downtime to lounge while I hurt because I'm not hurting anymore. The only ranting I do is to the boyfriend (sorry!) and that pretty much stops when I lose his attention (damn you UFC!). I am back at work right after radiation, I am working hard to lose this "steroid weight" (7 lbs but i gained it back while celebrating in Vegas!), preparation to go back to school is starting and I have taken on moving because my used-to-be-welcoming mom is not so welcoming anymore. Plus Twilight Saga:New Moon came out a week ago and I'm just all over that. Life... so exhausting. So bad its almost making me wish I was back on chemo so I can rest again...

Not Writing

So i totally suck.

I didnt even write about my last chemosification.

I didnt even bother to update you guys about how we almost didn't do the final chemosification on October 8th because of the numbness on my fingers. These dumb chemo side effects. But no frets, we did after I begged the chemo nurse to do it because I was so anxious to get it done.

I didnt even write how my nausea was so bad that I started vomitting blood the day after the final chemosification and I was admitted in the hospital for a little over 3 days.

I didn't even write how beautiful the new Kaiser they built and how nice the nurses were - she totally let me borrow her US Weekly so i wouldn't be so bored. Holler to getting my Robsten news on time!

I didn't even write how I was secretly happy that I was admitted because of they did a better job hydrating me than I would have done on my own. They kept me on so much IVs, I requested to move my bed next to the toilet.

I didn't even write how they kept poking me on my stomach to take these meds (neupogen and the one for blood clotting) that they bruised my stomach for days. And it hurt like a motha.

I didn't even write how bad the nausea was after I got out but I guess that doesn't really matter now.

I also didn't write about how I am switching oncs. As stated in my previous blogs, my onc is the twin sister of Cruela Deville.

I also didn't write about how awful she was in dealing with me that she seriously thinks "maybe" is an acceptable answer to "Is bowling bad for my lymphedema?"

I also didn't write that she actually thought "we had a great relationship" and was surprised when she found out I was leaving.

I also didn't write how they made me wait 5 hours until I finally got my first Herceptin-only treatment, which lasted about 30 mins.

I also didn't write how seriously I am done with them and I am kinda hoping she is reading this so she doesn't repeat it with other patients.

I totally forgot to write about the time I met the Radiology Oncologist and he thought the cancer was on my left boob instead of the right. He says because the left boob has a more noticeable scar and sags like a 90 year old lady's. OK, so he didn't say that but Im assuming - how else could you spot the difference?

I totally forgot to write about the mini tattoos they had to do for radiation. Um hi radiologist assistant lady, when you say it will not hurt, IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT. Oh, but it totally did.

I totally forgot to write about getting my rads schedule. I read somewhere that the 3 week therapy instead of 6 is available. I asked the rads onc and he said yes so voila, we are 3 weeks closer to being done with this whole cancer treatment sha-bang. Actually, I lie. I still have herceptin for the rest of the year til June 2010 but who's counting, right?

What am i NOT forgetting lately...

Oh yeah, I am going to Philadelphia for the LBBC Conference. I am moving out of my mom's house in 3 weeks. I am absolutely in love with Zumba no matter how hard it kicks my ass...

and last but not least, Twilight Saga:New Moon comes out in 12 days.

Of course, I don't forget the important things. ;)

My Most Embarrassing Experience

So let me tell you a little story...

Last night I went out with my girls. My bff Laura was in town for the weekend and we haven't seen her in months. We went bowling and had some drinks (correction: they did - I vowed to stop drinking after chemo). Then it was 12ish and they decided to go to the bar inside the bowling alley. My friend asks if its fine since I don't drink but I don't really need alcohol to have a good time so I don't decline. I get to the door and this security guy says, "ID please." So I pull it out and I hand it to him.

He looks at me. Then looks back at my ID.

Then he looks at me again. Then back at my ID.

Just silence for the next minute or so until I finally realize what is going on.

"Thats me."

"No it isn't."

"Im pretty sure it is."

He does this condescending grunt. "Huh. Thats not you."

So I laugh nervously and I tell him its me. He says no one more time and I knew my chances of getting in all depends on how good I could convince this MF that I am the same person.

"Do you really want to know why I don't look like that?" He grunts one more time as he waited for my answer.

"I have cancer. I don't have hair." I was about to keep going until I saw that these few words drained the blood from his face as he grabbed the wristband to put it on me. "Don't feel bad," I tried to comfort him.

However, I wish I would have saved the comforting for me. I felt like shit. I was so embarrassed that it took all my courage to stay. I should have gone straight home. My night was ruined and the incident kept playing in my head. I was a little miffed with the security guy, considering he didn't card the rest of my friends and the one time he actually does his job, he gets this trickery from some cancer chick.

I'm over this incident, though. I mostly miffed at myself. I feel like no matter how hard I try to make excuses for myself, I caused this. I am bald. My eyebrows are patchy and my already thin eyelashes are disappearing. I am also 30 lbs overweight - the fattest I have been in my life. Nothing fits me right. I also look tired most of the time, I have lost the will to put on makeup because there are no good results even when I try. I am forced to wear a sleeve that looks like a prosthetic arm.

But I could have been a really hot bald chick. I shouldn't have eaten all those fries. Should have not made excuses for all the junk I ate during chemo. Should not have had those "last suppers" and acted like a hungry, starving child. I also should have kept putting on makeup. Should not have been lazy and used feeling like crap as an excuse to look like crap. Should have kept doing my exercises so my arm doesn't blow up like a balloon.

So now, Im being proactive because chemo is done and I was humiliated beyond belief.

Step 1: I joined a gym and vowed to lose the post chemo weight by December. (If not all, then some.)

Step 2: I am eating healthy. I can eat raw veggies again. No more fries! No more pizza!

Step 3: Put on concealer so I won't look tired all the time. (Im really scared of the eyelash curler pulling out the remaining lashes I have.)

Step 4: Pray to the Lord that my hair grows as fast as possible. Please.

I miss you, old self. Come back soon.

Breast Cancer Awareness

I'd like to dedicate this video montage my friend Megan did in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month to all young women. Please check your boobs - no matter how young, no matter how embarrassing it makes you feel (why am i touching myself?), no matter how impossible the notion of breast cancer to someone under 30 could be.

We are proof that the impossible exists. That there is a chance you are the ONE out of 2000. That no matter how good you plan your life, things may happen that are beyond your control. That no matter how great you look or how much money you have, cancer can invade your almost perfect life. All you can do is fight. And survive to tell the story.

Those who endure, conquer.

Is it in the water?

So, the other day one of my bestfriends Laura texts me out of nowhere:

"I went to the docs today to get my breast examined.. They scheduled me for an ultrasound cause there's something unusual.."

First impression - Disbelief: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

Its so unfair to worry someone at the age of 23. So unfair to require them to get an ultrasound or mammogram and make them suffer that wait. It seriously makes you wonder- what in the H is causing this at this time, at this age? Is it the food? Is it in the water? Is it the fact that we both used to go to a certain restaurant and order margaritas during happy hour? The mindfuck is 1/2 the battle and tests every strength you could muster up - but really? At the age of 23? Are we being PUNK'D?

I knew the feeling she was going through but for some reason, it was so hard to tell her how to feel. I remember the time I had to wait for those results - it was nerve wracking and I wanted to jump off of a cliff. She was nervous too and she knew what I've gone through actually being diagnosed with cancer. She talked to her family and researched the internet. The doctors told her it was just cysts and not to worry because she was too young so Im glad she set them straight by telling them she has a friend who got breast cancer at 23. I'm also glad she didn't wait. It's not a myth, people! Just because you don't normally see these cases don't mean they don't exist. (Side note: this totally strengthens my belief that my fave animales, unicorns, are real.)

Well, she was worried and so was I. I asked everybody I knew to pray for her. My mom says God works miracles and if you pray hard enough, most of the time God listens. My mom told me that she found a lump in her boobage tons of years ago (because my mom is old durrr) but she never told anyone and just prayed. Miraculously, it disappeared. Unfortunately, this was not the case for her dear adorable daughter but I am VERY happy to tell you all that just like my mom, there is nothing wrong with my best friend's tatas. YAY to the fact that cancer wasn't able to get my two favorite people in the world.

But to be very honest (which is the point of this memoir - honesty, a place to whine and spread awareness), I felt a surge of jealousy when she told me she was perfectly fine after this morning. Not because she's fine because I love her to death and would wish nothing but good for her - but because I wish I got the same news that she got. Doctors always deliver those life altering words (ie. - "You're pregnant!" "You have cancer!" "You're perfectly fine!") I know its no use crying over spilled milk. I know these things happen to certain people and God has a plan for all of us but wow, what I would have given at the time to have heard what she did today (maybe half a kidney or something). I know cancer is probably trying to teach me a lesson - this is probably my wake up call. Now all I can do is sigh and accept it - heavy heart and all. In the inspiring words of Dory from Finding Nemo - "Just keep swimming..."

I hope we find a cure for this damn disease soon. If not a cure, maybe a cause. Not just because cancer totally sucks - but I don't think 23 years is enough time to prepare for the intolerable pain caused by the hellish machine I'd like to call mammograms. ;) *SQUISH*

PS - can you all read this awesome article on my YSC friend, Lowry? She freaking ROCKS and it's a great story. You should all read her blog anyway. Because she rocks and stuff. :)

PPS - Last chemo tomorrow. YAYUH! Gonna celebrate this with a big bottle of Patron .......... NOT.

Dear Anonymous Commentor

Wow, some of y'all really liked my last blog. Even got a tweet from one of the bestest artists ever (@LauraJansen) and a comment from one of my fave bloggers, Busy Bee Lauren. Let me admit, I fangirled a bit. Then I got inspirational comments from my facebook friends that just made me so happy.

So I was beaming, up until I read this comment by Anonymous -

WHAT A WON BLOG.
HOWEVER, LACK OF KNOWLEDGE CAUSES SCURVEY, POVERTY AND YES CANCER.
WOULD YOU EVER HAVE HAD ONE OF THE TOP 10 CANCER BLOGS WITHOUT CANCER?
CAN WE TAKE AWAY THE CLOUD?
SCURVY WAS ONCE DEASDLIER AND FASTER THAN CANCER.

BUT, TODAY MORE PEOPLE MAKE A LIVING OFF OF CANCER THAN DIE OF IT.
YOU OWE IT TO WORLD TO KNOW.
DO THE SHOCKING SEARCH, WORLD WITHOUT CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Can you all help me decipher what our dear commenter is saying?

Cause I dont know what caused my cancer - is that lack of knowledge? Is that why I got it, because I never thought about it? Because at age 22, instead of picking up Breast Cancer for Dummies, I chose Twilight?

Cause I could have sworn 'lack of knowledge causes scurvey, poverty and yes, cancer' means that I would probably get scurvey because I dont know what in the H it is and had to check wikipedia and I didnt know its not spelled scurvey, but SCURVY...

Cause I could have sworn you want me to celebrate the fact that if I didn't have cancer, I wouldn't be a part of the Top 10 Breast Cancer Blogs. Because you swear the imaginary award I dont get makes up for the fact that I have a lopsided boob, shiny bald head and suffer menopause at the ripe age of 23. Yes, that is the silver lining in this horrendous cloud you call cancer.

Shoot. I would love to live in a world without cancer. No more mammograms, no more biopsies, no more dying at age 3, 23, 33, 43, 53, 63 betrayed by your own body, no more uncomfortable ports, no more chemo...

Oh Anonymous commentor, next time use more explanation and less !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Love, Me.

Postsecret

Every Sunday, I wake up and head straight to my computer. Besides tending to my imaginary crops on Farmville, part of my Sunday morning ritual is checking on the week's Postsecret. Its when people send in their secrets on a postcard to Frank in MD and he posts them. Some secrets are funny, some secrets are sad and disturbing and some you can most definitely relate to. So while browsing thru today's secrets, I came across this...

First of all, homegirl is delirious to wish to get breast cancer. Any form of cancer, really. I don't know why they cant just make it easy and wish to BE skinny... or wish for a genie to grant them $10k for liposuction or something.

Second of all, anyone actually looking forward towards chemo is 100% disturbed. Chemo SUCKS. Its funny because Hollywood always portrays chemo patients as these skinny malnourished patients and its 100% UNREAL. Tell you the truth, when I found out I was getting chemo, I was secretly happy because I thought I was going to lose weight because of this Hollywood stereotype. But let me tell you something... even though you can't eat, even though you may vomit, most patients actually gain weight due to steroids and it messes up your eating routine. Your taste buds are shot, your mouth has sores, your gums hurt, your teeth ache and sometimes, you cant eat raw foods, you cant drink alcohol, you cant have sushi, you crave a burger, nothing too salty, too sweet, too spicy, nothing that smells funky (but everything smells funky!)... so you eat whatever you can. My mom says I am eating too much to prepare when I cant... which is rude but semi-true at the same time.

Last but not least, the day you have to make the decision to lose your boobs will be one of the toughest days in your life. I am tearing up just writing about this because I remember the day I had to make the decision and everyone kept advising me to do it. I chose against it and went for lumpectomy. My onc-a-deville actually gave me the stink eye when I told her I didn't want to lose my boobs because she said my cancer was unfavorable and it would be favorable for me if I chose mastectomy. But I couldnt do it. I thought long and hard and even though I agreed, I was 100,000% relieved when my surgeon advised me against it. I really wasn't ready to lose a part of my body... a part of myself. Granted, my boobs still look deformed. I still cringe everyday when I massage my armpit where they did the surgery. My left boob sags like Im 70 years old because they took a benign tumor out from there. It still takes everything in me to look in the mirror before showering because I cant handle looking at myself. I don't look the same as I used to. I am self-conscious of what I wear because no matter what I do, I constantly look like shit. I have never been this low and it kills me. I have lost my confidence because of this disease and I cannot wait until chemo is done, til radiation is done, so I can reconstruct myself and my life from the destruction it's done.

I hate what breast cancer has done to me. There are nights I stay up asking why me, shredding every bit of myth how I could have gotten this unfair disease. Sometimes I really, really wish we could fast forward our lives. Thats my secret.

Postponed

I think my body forgot we didn't have chemo last week because I am still having an awful, side-effect filled week. I have been getting really bad headaches and Ive been burping a lot (something I always do when nauseated). My bones hurt as if I took my Neupogen shot... why dear Chemo gods can you not gimme a break? You couldn't postpone my side effects too?

... Rewind ...

So as you know I always go to my chemosifications every Thursday, every 3 weeks. So Thursday, Sept. 10, I stayed up til 3 AM the night before because I was so anxious (my brain was going "OMGOMGOMG Chemo #5 I dont know if im so excited because its almost over or because I dont want it to come") so when it was time to get up for my 8 AM chemo appointment, I totally did not. So, my friends, I was late. Got there at 9 something.

I go see my onc-a-deville (a la Cruella de Ville) because she is eeeeeviiiiieeeel and we sit there chit chatting how life has been in the past 3 weeks. We do our teet for tat, I tell her Im suffering, she tells me "It is how it is..." I tell her how disatisfied I am with the new therapist (we can go garage sale hunting and shop ikea together but she will never make my arm swelling go away!) and she tells me to basically wait until my arm is the size of a buffalo's thigh before I complain. "Take a vicodin,"she says. At this point, I was fuming in my seat but I sat still cause it is what it is. She sends me away, ready for chemo and I sit outside for 45 minutes until I decided, enough is enough - "WHERE IS MY CHEMO!?"

So I bum rush my chemo nurse ("Dude, where in the world is my chemo?") and he tells me to hold on because he is "verifying" my lab.

1) Lab results were available the day before chemo, at a time prior to onc-a-deville's sidekick nurse calling me to confirm my 8 AM appointment.

2) Lab results were available when I was discussing them with onc-a-deville 45 minutes ago.

Why are we just NOW verifying my labs?

Well it turns out, my liver function was acting up. See, when you're in chemo, your liver is all kinds of messed up, which is why it is not advisable to drink. When your liver is all kinds of messed up, it excretes this thing called AST. A normal person's AST should be around 31. At my last chemosification, it was 127 due to chemo and such. Well, turns out it was 87 last week and no matter how close it is to normal, I.. am.. guessing.. its... not?

I really dont know whats going on. They told me to wait it out until this Thursday and we could try again. So Im kinda mad that they made me face my onc when I really didn't have to... now I have to redo the whole sing and dance with her this week and it normally takes 3 weeks from seeing her to rebuild my emotional capacity. Ugh, if I must...

So anyway, Im a bit bummed that I have to wait another week for chemo to be over. I got a little too excited and almost booked my vacation to Vegas. Good thing I didn't because everything goes on hold until Im actually done. Did i jinx myself or what?

On other good news, I am going to the Living Beyond Breast Cancer Annual Conference on November. I am looking forward to the Fear of Recurrence workshop and Journaling for Health and Happiness. Im also going with my best friend of so many years. We lost touch over the past couple of years but I believe cancer brought us back together - I guess life is too short to hold grudges over the most stupid things.

Anyway... just to give y'all a sense of what I do besides complain about cancer, I am sharing my Iphone gallery for a glimpse of my world...

1. I joined a bowling league! We play one Sunday a month and in August 2010, we go to Vegas for a bowling tournament. My final score was 201 for 3 games which means I suck a$$ but I had so much fun! Im surprised my arm isn't sore like everybody's... maybe because I didn't really play so good LOL

2. Beatles Rockband is SO awesome. I could totally be Paul McCartney, I rock the mic eight days a week!! These guys are my bandmates... I am the Gwen Stefani... who else loves Guitar Hero/Rockband? We should totes have a jam sesh.. just sayin... ;)

3. My puppy Camille is the awesomeface. She's a big diva and she doesn't know her name but I love her to death. I am also a proud momma because she is potty trained. :) If cancer totally sterilizes me, I think I'll be fine having her as my child LOL

4. That is me, fat and bald at Lake Castaic. Me and my RLE (real life Edward aka el boyfriend) took our two dogs and had fun some fun in the sun, eventhough it literally hurt because my skin is as sensitive as a baby's butt. He got on the jetski and I ate candy. And slept on a fake chair.

5. And i also managed to go to the beach for one of my friend's birthday. I love the beach but the sun makes it hard... good thing it was sundown when we went. ;)

Well folks, til my next iphone dump/onc rant. Wish me luck for chemo on Wednesday... maybe i should drink to that hah ;)

My After Chemo Resolutions

Dear Friends,

The boyfriend is watching Changeling and he is 95% distracting me as I write this blog. Something about Angelina Jolie and crooked LAPD gets him going. ;) I am sitting here, nurturing the lingering metal taste in my mouth with ice chips - UGH, sooo gross. Anyway, first things first - chemosification #5 on Thursday! Can you believe it? We're at #5 already!! I am -almost- excited... NOT!! I think the only thing that gets me going is the fact that there is only one more left and after this chemosification I can finally go back to living my normal life! I may even go to Vegas to celebrate!

So for the past few weeks I have been running a list in my head of things I would want to accomplish after chemo. You may call them my AC Resolutions since I think its gonna require a lot of work but there are reasons for all of them...

1. Lose weight! I gained about 15 lbs after I started chemo and I am tired of making excuses. I guess half of it could have been the chemo's fault (steriods, etc etc) but I think Id like to place the blame on the large chili cheese fries plate I eat every 3 weeks... or that I stopped exercising... or that my only consolation after chemo has kicked my ass would be ice cream and froyo. I wanna lose the 15 lbs by December so I could look stunning in a evening dress for my company's Christmas party and not be as huge as the Christmas tree...

2. Eat Healthy! I have been reading a lot of cancer books and for some reason a lot of them say that there is something about eating right that helps with recurrence. Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor talked about eating vegan because raw, organic shizz are supposed to kill the cancer cells. Something about organic eating... so maybe Im gonna try being vegan. Its gonna be hard because I love me my poultry but boy, do I hate me some cancer...

3. Grow some fuzz! I cant wait until my hair grows out. I dont even care if it grows out awkward and I look like a Chia pet for a couple months. And then I hope it grows out fast and not nappy. I also hope that my eyelashes grow back longer. And my eyebrows dont grow anymore because after I got it waxed 2 weeks after my first chemo, they never grew back! So they are still perfectly shaped for the past 2 months and I'd like to keep it this way. Saves me $11 every 2 weeks! (This one sounds like something I should ask Santa...)

4. Go to the dentist regularly! OK, i am guilty - I have been ditching the dentist for the past couple few years and I am aware how "unhealthy" they are. Well, chemo made it worse x20. My gums hurt and so did my teeth. There are days I feel like they may fall off but of course, its just the chemo...

(Quick break to let y'all know boyfriend has started tearing up... shifting uncomfortably on the couch after I pointed it out... he is looking for the remote... LOL men are funny!)

5. Go back to school! One thing cancer has pursued me to do is go back to school. For some reason, pre-cancer I have been flopping around with the thought of school and there is nothing like a good dose of "life IS short" reality to bring you back to your priorities. I stopped going to school full time when I got an office job in 2005. When i moved out of my parents, I had to figure out how to live my life and it required devoting myself to making money and paying my bills. I'm not really sure what I want to do yet... I am again flopping around with ideas but at least I have some options now...

6. Being active in getting the word out about Breast Cancer! Y'know what - a lot of people are clueless about breast cancer. They're clueless about the treatments, how to get help and worse, where to start. I would really, really like to help by starting on getting myself educated (reading a lot of books, going to BC workshops, speaking to fellow survivors) and then educate others. I am hoping one day I get to help those in 3rd world countries - the ones who can't afford getting a mammogram, let alone go to the doctors. I wanna be proactive and help... like those who helped me!

7. Find Robert Pattinson and marry him! After everything is done, of course... ;)

As I come across more resolutions or fulfill them over the next few months/years (I am lazy busy and there is no resolution for that yet), Im going to update this entry. I love this post because it gives me a sense of direction... feels like I can almost see the light at the end of this chemo tunnel... I cant wait!!! :)

A Real Update

I promised to blog more so I figured I'd give y'all a good recap of what's been going on medical-wise.

My arm has been swollen for a few weeks now. I was warned that 1 out of 10 patients that get their lymph nodes removed during surgery could possibly get lymphedema and I may be getting it. I called my onc last month when it started happening. She sent me to a new therapist, one that specializes in lymphedema. I met with her the other day and she said my right arm is 8.1 cm bigger than the other. Eventhough my right arm should be bigger because its my main arm but it shouldn't be that big. It's not good that it's like this so she's gonna be spending some time with me. And she has a lymphedema class Ill be attending.

Besides sending me to a lymphedema therapist, she also said she's sending me to get a ultrasound of my chest. She thinks there may be a blood clot caused by my port which could be making my arm swollen. STUPID PORT FROM HELL. I honestly think that they never did this port right. Up til now, the port is still red and there is a tiny bump at the end of the scar. There is a strand of stitching that was left behind and the radiology department at Kaiser refuses to take it off because they'd have to open the whole thing all over again. The part of my chest where to PFH is located also stiffens up - I feel like its having a heart attack sometimes. Freakin foolish. I cant wait to get this port out.

My nausea was worse this chemosification #4. I felt sick all day, especially in the mornings. There is nothing precious about this at all. Feeling sick to my stomach over odor, food, anything and everything. My friend Sylvia told me about Emend, this pill that takes away 95% of nausea (aka gift from God, I'd like to think) so I tell my onc about it and she says NO. She says, "Take Zofran 3 times a day. (I already do, lady.) Take Compazine and Ativan at the same time right before you eat."

Are ya freakin kidding me?

Do y'all know how many pills I've had to drink ever since I started chemo? A TONLOAD. Its getting to the point where my gag reflex has given up white flag and everythang, haven't even put the pill on my tongue and Im already gagging. It sucks, especially when you have 20 billion pills to drink just to feel better and you're nauseous on top of that. Anyway, she said no and I have no choice so work with what I have. "It is what it is..."

Last time I also mentioned that Ive been having really, really mean headaches. Ever since chemo, everytime I wake up I feel like me and the significant other might have had an altercation and he socked me on my templars because they throb like there's no tomorrow. I complained to my onc 2 months ago and I got the "it is what it is..." but she did send me to get a cat scan of my head. They finally scheduled me last Friday after a month of waiting for that appointment - funny thing is, my paperwork said STAT... are ya kidding me?? Anyway, i hope its just a really bad chemo side effect and not a tumor in my brain or something...

What else? Oh yeah, I hate the freaking sun. It hurts my skin. EVERY. FREAKING. TIME. I hate the sun. I hate the heat. I want June gloom back!

Anyway, Im feeling a lot better. I think the worst part about chemo is being stuck on the bed, feeling so helpless and useless. Plus, the list of foods I may never be able to eat again ever in my life is getting longer.

PS. I was at Chuck E Cheese yesterday and this 7 year old girl sees me fix my bandana in the bathroom. She looks at me in the mirror, in horror. I thought she was gonna look away but she turned around and looked at me dead in the eye - "Why do you have that on your head?"

What would YOU have said??

Cause when I opened my mouth, the best thing I came up with was that it was hot... then I ran out. Awkward, right? Let's just say I didn't use the bathroom until we got home that day!

Name that Side Effect!

Chemo #4 is done, folks. I am now, once again, back on my feet, back to the whining of side effects from this wonderful chemo vacation. I guess this time was different - it was worse in a way that the side effects came faster than I expected - but the fact that I expected them helped. It was the same old, same old, nothing this awesomeface couldnt handle... of course I still writhed in pain and cursed all the chemo gods - but that totally comes with the experience.

Now that I have gone thru all 3 chemosifications and I have schooled all of you with how FUN and EXCITING it is, its now time to play a game: NAME THAT SIDE EFFECT! If you can name them all then you get these prizes:

1) trip to my house for a tour to see where I writhed in pain for 6 days and you can see the Gatorade bottle collection i have (it really is the Thirst Quencher, mind you)

2) 8 cheese wontons from Pick Up Stix on Wonton Wednesday! (YUM. I would play this game just for these wontons.)

3) A New Moon book signed by Peter Facinelli (but only if your name is Mike and you'd like to owe me a new New Moon book and I hope you learn your lesson NOT to tell Peter Facinelli the book was yours to begin with)

4) an imaginary thumbs up via any social networking tool of your choice (myspace, twitter, facebook, multiply, tumblr, etc...)

On to my game!

"Ok Robert Pattinson, your turn..."

"I really should not have eaten that last taco..."

My mom after seeing my credit card bill. :)

"Aw man, I forgot my cellphone..."

"Nom nom nom... that Edward cake is good"

Add these all up and you get me! One big ball of cancer reality... its only funny because its gone now and Im able to control myself again. I can make fun all I want but the past 7 days have been the worst days ever and as much as I don't EVER wanna go back to that again, no matter how bad, not even if I give up my messed up kidney and a first unborn child, i have no choice. I spend these days in bed with all these side effects, all these emotions and all these unexplainable grievances - thoughts I didn't even know I could think of... but when that chemo fog is lifted and all the side effects go away and all my hormones settle down and eat themselves some ice cream so they can shut the heck up... the world goes back to the way it was again even if its just for the next 2 weeks. And that is whatI look forward to...

Best reaction to Cancer

I wanna share with you all a story I am almost embarrassed to say. As you all know, I have been whining about taking steroids and the effect on chemo on my eating habits. First week after a chemosification, I pretty much do not eat anything due to the lack of appetite and the constant reminder of nausea. Second week, I gorge myself on hawaiian food because that is the only thing I can taste. Third week, i pretty much can eat everything. Then there is my "last supper" which is the day before chemo. My last supper 2 weeks ago consisted of turkey legs, frog legs, chocolate covered bacon and deep fried oreos. I think Jesus would have been jealous cause he only had wine and bread at his last supper.

Anyway, I have also been catching up with a lot of people that I haven't talked to in years. Cancer, for some reason, has forced me to mend some bridges that were burnt blockaded and those who I just have lost touch with over the years. It feels nice reconnecting with everybody, except everyone seems to already know about the big BC. I don't really care if anyone knew about my disease except for some reason, there is just some people that do not NEED to know. The reactions i get are priceless though -

1. "Dude, you got this. You can totally beat this cancer's ass." (Love the enthusiasm. I dont ever know what to say cept - OK ill try...)

2. "Man I feel bad everytime I hear these side effects you're going thru..." (I am sorry for telling you, I will never tell you again, block my blog! We both don't need to be feeling bad, y'know.. )

3. "I wish I knew what you're going thru..." (Um hi, love the sympathy but NO YOU DONT. Wouldnt want to wish this on anybody!)

4. "Dont worry, 3 more treatments left!" (You mean 3 more months....)

So anyway, the other day, I was chatting with a friend who I haven't talked to in years. For some reason, the big BC news got to her and I started giving her the rundown. Told her my surgery details. Told her the side effects of chemo in short version - "Sista, I am now bald and fat."

To which she replies, "Wow, you are the first person I ever heard that got fat on chemo."

WINNER FOR BEST REACTION EVER.

So I Was Thinking...

For some reason today was my "walk down memory lane" day. I got inspired to finally load up my Facebook with pictures (i think everybody was getting tired of seeing Shia Labeouf on my Wall) and I started looking at old pictures on my PC. I couldn't stop myself from thinking, "Wow... so and so month ago, I looked like this..." or "so and so time with so and so friend was good times!" or the best one - "Wow... i dont remember this night at all!" So I was thinking...

Extensions
So about a year ago, I was so obsessed with my hair and how I would look so awesome if I had long golden hair (not a la Rapunzel, a la Carrie Underwood). But it was just not working out because my hair was 1) dead 2) stumped. Does not wanna look healthy, does not wanna grow. What's a girl to do? So I was just about to pay $300+ on some awesome extensions... kept thinking about it but never went thru with it... Year later, I am bald and scalpy. I look like the Chinese version of Lord Voldemort.

Partying
So about a year ago (and about 5 more before that), I really really enjoyed partying. What can I say? I am always that person who loves a good margarita or two (or six) and give me a good song and I will dance on that dance floor. I am almost too outgoing for my own good... I have had my share of good and bad times. I had happy hours penciled on my calendar and I know the best bars with the cheapest drinks (and the hottest guys!).
Year later, I am diagnosed with fat liver. Cannot party or drink due to chemo. Cant even flirt due to chemo (and boyfriend but who is watching? ;p) All i have? Memories of good times. Stuck at home on a Friday night alternating Motrin and Zofran.

The Vegas
No words needed. I miss the Vegas.

Now, now... I am just reminiscing... how time passes by so fast. Never did I think a year ago that I would be where I was today, I would have what I had today, I would go through what I have today... But I still think things happen for a reason. So I was thinking, I would list the reasons why got Breast Cancer and heres what i came up with:

1. My hair is crap and being bald is a new way to start out all over again. Hello Cathy, you have no choice!
2. God is telling me to slow down on the partying so He put me on time out - 6 months no drinking! No partying! No flirting! No hitting poles trying to back up from gas stations! I mean...
3. I am also finally being FORCED to eat healthier (more on this on a new post). All my life I have chosen the crappiest foods - I never ate vegies, I always ate out, etc... and I think that after chemo is over, I need to start making healthier food choices. Sucks that chemo is making that hard for me but there is no time like now (learned that thanks to the big BC!!)
4. The Vegas needs a break from taking all my money. Plus disability doesnt pay shit. :)
5. If it weren't for chemo making my eyes blurry, I wouldn't have gone to the eye doctor and I wouldn't have known that I have been running on the wrong prescription for the past 2 years and that it is NOT normal that I cant read street signs... in broad daylight.
6. I wouldn't have a really cool scarf collection for my head. Now imagine me next year with hair, I have all these scarves to cover my neck. Way to look fashion forward!
7. I have 4 really sexy wigs. Meaning: excuse to have 4 different personalities.
8. I dont have to spend any more money getting waxed. Hair does not grow. Period.dot.com. I haven't shaved my legs in 2 months. DO NOT HATE. :)
9. The cancer card rarely gets denied. Imjus'ayin. Thank you, Taylor Lautner.
10. I realize how many people forreally genuinely care. Not just those I already know and love but even people I never thought liked me, people I could never stand (aka Mom), people in the same hole as I, people I dont normally talk to and even people I have never even met. It's almost surreal how much love is thrown at you that eventhough its scary at first - it is probably one of the few things that keeps me fighting...

Being a G aint easy

Boyfriend is outside watching Gran Torino. Not really into the movie so I decided to igloo it up in my room and write this blog since you guys haven't heard from me in a while. I am currently in Day 3, Cycle 3 - which means tons of writhing in pain and complaining. Not sure if that's the best circumstance to be writing but I am bored and it keeps me entertained.

All this chemosification is slowly scarring me. I can honestly say I am not the 100% go-getter I was when I first started 9 weeks ago. Before my first cycle, I walked in that room like a true G - no fear. I took the cocktails, I felt like shit, I poked myself with no hesitation and I came back up couple of days later like a true G. 2nd cycle, ended up in the hospital for some massive stomach infection. Felt like shit for 2 weeks, longer than usual. Now, I am back for cycle 3 and there is just so much stuff I am completely freaking out over.

Like pills. Anti-nausea pills are so freaking gross. So are steroids. They get stuck when Im trying to drink them and they taste like crap. Seriously?? I wish I had some hand held IV machine I could stick anti-nausea IV meds and itll go away so quickly. No more of this drinking the pill crap.

Nausea. I cannot stop feeling like Im going to turn over and throw up. It doesn't matter how I lay or what I eat, I feel like throwing up. Over all, in the past 2 days, I have eaten:
1. dry cheerios
2. gatorade
3. half a fiber bar
4. a milkshake

I cant eat. Chemo is the biggest burden and the fat kid in me is dying of malnutrition! :( I want to eat so bad but I cant because I am scarred by the fact that throwing up = SUCKS. Cant eat greasy foods, salty foods, too much foods... freaking A!

Lastly, I am scarred to go to bed. Everytime I sleep, i get the most vivid dreams and they keep me up. My brain just keeps flickering, showing me picture after picture like Im going through someone's photo album in warp speed. Its annoying and disturbing - do I really wanna be dreaming about my auntie's house in Vegas at a time like this?? REALLY?? On top of that, I cant really sleep...

I am so tired of chemo.. I am so tired of being "challenged"... I am soooo sooo tired of being "irregular"... I am normally never like this but I am just so so tired...

An Update

[start update]

Every time I think about going back on Thursday for cycle #3, I start crying.

I do not want to go back ever again. And I don't care that there is 9 more weeks left. I wish this would all just stop so I can go back to being normal again.

Normal. And happy. And healthy.

[end update]

The Betrayal

My body is falling apart. I cant even begin to tell you guys how my past few days have been. This may or may not be a funny post. This may or may not be a whining post. This may or may not be a ranting post. This may or may not be getting annoying - but with all nonsense aside...

So i had my chemosification cycle #2 on Thursday. It was long. They had me waiting for hours because they couldn't figure out where to put me. I met the nicest people that day but that will be a separate post because it'll make this one too long and would totally take from the point. So back to my chemosification - I go, I take pills, I fall asleep, I wake up, I eat greasy foods (Blech, big mistake, will not do again!), I get home. I am fine.

Day 2. No sickness, a little queasy. More queasy than the first chemosification cycle.

Day 3. More queasiness. I threatened to throw up on the boyfriend a few times. Then this is where it gets tricky... remember the couple posts I had below on the marvelous chemo side effect called constipation? Well, oncologist told me to take a laxative regularly so I could go. So I did. Took it that night and forgot all about it.

Day 4. OH LORD MY JESUS. I woke up to the biggest stomach ache in the world so what do I do? I run to the toilet and pray for dear life thinking this is just another episode of chemo and as soon as I release all the contents of my stomach, then I can peacefully go back to sleep and enjoy the rest of my chemo side effects. But NOPE, it was not. My stomach released with FURY. And by fury, I mean blood. Red BLOOD. My lower abdomen cramped like there was no other, it felt like I was being ripped inside by little demon shits I have pissed off royally. I didn't know what to do so I hugged it tightly wishing it would go away. Then I passed out, sitting on the toilet, hugging myself. I woke up and I was covered in cold sweat, still sitting on the toilet. Have you ever broke in cold sweat? Its WEIRD. You're hot but you're cold. You're thinking, did I just walk thru Egypt or run through the North Pole? It feels WEIRD. So while all this hugging was going on between me and my stomach and I was breaking out the sweats like a penguin, I also had the urge to hurl. So i sit on the floor and hurl. What did I hurl? You guessed it, BLOOD (and anti-nausea meds I just took). Then I get back on the toilet. Then back down on the floor. I was so confused, my body was playing tug-o-war and I could NOT handle. I pulled myself off of the floor/toilet and laid on my bed. I passed out. Woke up an hour later, ran to the bathroom for another episode (with blood). Back to bed, passed out, then another episode (with blood). This went on for about 5 times until I realized - um hi, GO TO THE HOSPITAL. Dont ask why it didn't register earlier - I have always been stubborn and a firm believer of "If you tough it out, itll go away". Well, it didnt.

So boyfriend took me to the emergency room and they put me on a mask after hearing I am on chemosification. Walked around looking like I had the swine flu, kinda scared off the rest of the patients in the ER. They check my southern region, take a LOT of blood and more samples than your local Costco on a Saturday. Turns out, the lab is not functioning on a Sunday (CA govt got you too?) so they tell me I have to stay the night. They also ran out of needle access for my port so they had to IV me through the arm. And they gave me morphine for the pain. At first I said no after my morphine encounter after surgery but I had no choice... I was bleeding internally and couldn't take any other meds. Aint that about a...

PS. All this with NO FOOD.

Day 5. More morphine! And they took an xray and CT scan of my lower abdomen. Still no food allowed due to stomach problem.

Day 6. It has been determined - CDIF COLITIS.

Clostridium difficile
It's a bacterial infection that you can contract after human being on antibiotics for prolonged use. The bacteria is opportunistic, and when the antibiotics hold killed the obedient bacteria as ably as bad germs, C-Dif can take over. It cause chronic, nasty diarrhea. The treatment is ironically, more antibiotics.

What it doesnt tell you is that 1) its contagious; and 2) it is a pain in the ass, literally. I have stopped bleeding and the diarrhea has also stopped. My stomach still whirs like a cat on fire but I really have no way to make it go away.

My chemo side effects are back though. Throat hurts, tastebuds gone, fatigue, headache, constipation... welcome back to my day! I hope you enjoy your stay like this guy Cdif Colitis...

Man, oh man. How is it that my 23 year old body is THIS messed up? At 23:
1. I get breast cancer.
2. CDif Colitis.
3. I have a fatty liver.
4. Cyst in my ovary
5.

Im going to leave that last one blank because I know it'll come up as soon as I finish publishing this post... but seriously - my body, at 23, should not be this defective. Maybe because I didnt eat lettuce until I was 16, carrots and broccoli til I was 22. Maybe because I gained weight. Maybe because I don't work out enough. Maybe because I drank too much alcohol. Maybe because I eat the unhealthiest stuff.

This post is starting to turn into a "Post Treatment Resolution"... stay tuned, I may or may not just think about it... ;)

Part of where Im going is knowing where Im coming from..

[I am alive!] The past week was my 3rd week after chemosification #1 and I have been enjoying it like a regular person. I work, I eat (and abundantly - Im so guilty), I work out, I hang out with friends - I enjoyed the world like there is no other. I knew chemosification #2 was just around the corner and I was just ecstatic to have my energy, my tastebuds, my ears, nose, teeth, gums back. Of course this was all done sans hair. My hair started falling off on Day 15. Slowly at first but when I showered, it covered my hands and my tub. It was gross and heartbreaking at the same time - of course, I got over it in 5 seconds and decided to shave it all off. That way when it grows back, it'll be in one size. EXCEPT for this -
Boyfriend decided to pull certain parts of my hair and thus, created a bald spot. And he decided to do this twice to prove a point! I was soooooooooo mad (but got over it after a while...).

Cons of having no hair
1. It is ALWAYS cold. The Antartica resides on my head - its always, always freezing. I took that picture about 5 mins ago and I had to put my scarf back on right away. Horrible!
2. I look like a pre-pubscent Chinese boy.
3. I didn't realize I was converting into velcro-head. Um, who knew this bald head would stick to everything? Felt like I propped a porcupine on my head and just ran along with it. ;)
4. The boyfriend also shaved his head so we have been mistaken for twins.

Pros
1. It takes me 2 mins to shower. Real deal. I don't have to lather with shampoo, condition, deep oil condition, wash with cold water for shine... Me and the said boyfriend had a convo about using shampoos on our hair - he says yes, I say no - my hair follicles are dead. Eventhough Im still getting used to it. I accidentally put a half-dollar amount on my hand - whoops complete waste!
2. I dont have to blowdry, straighten, curl, style, protect the hair! Woohoo. Time saved: 30 mins.
3. Wigs are awesome - they are styled and they always fall back in shape. What isn't awesome is the heat. And it hurts after a while. But pain is beauty - dont judge me!
4. Scarves are also awesome. I loves. :)


Anyway, enough about hair. I start chemosification #2 tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to go thru the hell-ish feeling again but these are doctor's orders and I must. It lasts about a good 2 weeks until Im completely back to normal so I will update you on how it goes this time. Everybody is telling me that I should see it as I only have 4 more treatments and I am done... and its true. I cant wait and I should just look ahead and not let the bad linger. This too shall pass... :)

What else has been happening as of the late...

I got my lymphedema "preventative" sleeves. It's "preventative" because they dont want to test or do lymphedema treatments yet due to chemo and last time they checked it was only 1 cm bigger than my non-affected arm. I hate this damn sleeve. Its so tight. And another fashion cramper! Someone told me it looked like a prosthetic arm... lol. I also have a Michael Jackson glove aka "gauntlet". It rocks, except that it hinders my fast typing abilities.

I also went to get my blood drawn today for tomorrow. They sat me next to this lady who asked what I had. Told her BC and I am 23. She looked at me like I was some kind of mythical creature and proceeded to say - "Wow, you are SO young!" I went to Pick Up Stix to celebrate my "last supper" and the lady behind the counter noticed that I left the needle access to my port. She asked what it was.

"A needle access."
"A What??"
"A chemo port."
"NoooooooOOoo... No!" (Almost reminded me of stuttering Kristen Stewart on Twilight)
I nodded my head.
"But you are so young!"

Ahhh. I know. Im like one of the few unicorns in this mystery called cancer but it happens. Its rare but it happens. Its sad, its unfair, its challenging, its surreal... but it happens. I sigh. I get sad. Then I get over it... because it has happened and all I can do is be thankful that I am being treated, be humbled by the love and support I never realized I had, be strong for those who wish they could help me but dont know how and be reunited to everything I took forgranted before it all happened.

I swear if I had a nickle for every time I heard "But you are so young!", I would be able to buy 4 wontons at Pick Up Stix Wonton Wednesdays - and it would totally make my day.

Anyway, I have to go prepare what Im bringing for my 6 hour chemosification #2 tomorrow. I wish you could all come with me (just kidding - you all wont fit and Kaiser does not allow visitors over 5 mins!) but because you cant, I shall bring my Twilight DVD and "accidentally" forget my earphones so the whole C-unit would be introduced to the magically delicious acting of Robert Pattinson.

Goodnight!

So long, farewell

Dear Friends,

I hope you all got a good look at my mohawk (its here in case you havent). Do so quickly, burn it in your brain because guess what... my hair has now started falling off!


My boyfriend thinks I am tugging on it (Yeah, because you swear that is an awesome feeling) but Im totally not. It comes off. On my hand. Fairly quickly, I might add.

Can i just say how excited I am that its totally falling off? Is that so wrong? :)

1. Falling hair = Side effects. Side effects = chemo chemicals working (cross your fingers)
2. When my hair grows back, it'll be 200% healthier than my current hair. I will NEVER dye it again after it grows back. I swear on Robert Pattinson! :)
3. I get to wear my awesome wigs (and go on lovely adventures)

The only sad part about this is that I only got to rock my mohawk for 2 weeks... booo :( You all are invited to the funeral of my hair... I will be burying it next to my ranch dressing... :(

Meet Asiana Awesomeface

Me in Wig #1 (Im going to name this wig Asiana) This is what my hair would look like if my hair follicles cooperated. But they didn't so I chopped them up. Ha!

Do I look sweaty? I wasnt - I accidentally got lotion all over my bangs... heehee.

Bookwormathon : Anti-Cancer A New Way Of Life

I mentioned in my previous posts that I have been reading a lot of Cancer-related books and Im going to share keypoints/funfacts/post-it grabbing parts of the books so you can all have something smart to take out of my blog. This section of the blog will be called Bookwormathon and will be done everytime I finish a book.

Anti Cancer: A New Way of Life
David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD
"All of us have cancer cells in our bodies. But not all of us will develop cancer."

Statistics are information, not condemnation.

Serious illness can be a terribly lonely journey. Gentle, constant, reliable presence is often the most beautiful gift our dear ones can give us. But not many of them know that.

In the US, between 1975 and 1994, cancer rate in women under 45 has risen by 1.6% a year.

Three major factors have drastically disrupted our environment over the last 50 years:
1. Addition of large quantities of highly refind sugar to our diet.
2. Changes in methods of farming and raising animals, and as a result, in our food.
3. Exposure to a large number of chemical products that didnt exist pre 1940

Simple recommendations to slow the spread of cancer:
1. Eat sugar and white flour sparingly. Replace them with agave nectar for sweetening, multigrain flour for pastas and breads.
2. Avoid all hydrogenated vegetable fats "trans fats" and all animal fats. Olive oil is excellent vegetable fat.

Finding out you have cancer is a shock. You feel betrayed by life and by your own body. But finding out you've had a relapse is crushing. It's as if youve discovered that the monster you'd vanquished was still there. It had gone on tracking you in the shadows and wound up catching you again.

Today the word "cancer" is no longer synonymous with death. But it suggests its shadow. This shadow is an occassion to think about our life, about what we want to do with it.

"Yes, I may die earlier than foreseen. But it is also possible that Ill live longer. Whatever happes, Im going to live my life as well as I can from now on."

Cathy's Take: Half of the book talks about nutrition and what to eat in order to prevent cancer. It was explained over and over again how certain foods are particularly bad (including items listed above). Also tells us that being happy will cause less cancer than surrounding yourself with stress. The book also tells us the story of when the writer got brain cancer and how he dealt with it. How he accepted love after getting brain cancer, the pangs of recurrence and the difficulty of choosing what to do next after diagnosis... And I understand where he is coming from. The choices you have to face after being diagnosed becomes a burden - there is never just one solid route to go.

Speaking from personal experience, once I was told that it was MY option between having a lumpectomy or bilat mastectomy, I started falling apart! What do I know!?! You're my surgeon, what should I choose so it doesnt come back? These options were my nightmares, I was not at the right state of mind to decide, I hardly knew what they were talking about and the worst part of it all, what do you mean, after all this shit I gotta go thru theres NO guarantee it wont come back??? So then I read more books, I asked more people, I researched the internet (Ohhh this is the worst!) and you read statistics like, "The rate for women under 30 surviving breast cancer is 68%" (I totally made this up, I cant remember what I read off of google but it was something along these lines - and if you are reading this and you found my site off google, please know this is just an example statistic, don't believe it and dont drive yourself mad ;)). AHHHH! Cancer can drive you just about mad. But do not fret, as with knowledge comes power. Send yourself to the library (I do and they love me there, most especially when they collect late fees, those peeps are worse than Blockbuster and they call you everyday!), read *RELIABLE* internet (not wikipedia *gasp* but ACS, Chemocare, YSC, etc) and ask! Do NOT be afraid to ask!!! I swear my oncologist hates when I ask questions because everytime she answers, she makes this sourface first like "UGH JOYCATHERINE I ALREADY TOLD YOU THIS !@#$%!!" but I have to ask... I dont want to walk around with stupidity on my sleeves and be unequipped like "I dont really know..." I have asked her the dumbest questions like, "why do I have to flush the toilet twice after chemo, its not like anybody ever touches the bowl... ?" and as much as I hate seeing the sourface, Im always glad I asked. :)

Medicina

If only it was real that laughter is the best medicine... But its not. And we all still need to use real medicine to cure most medicinal problems (or herbal teas and chants according to my auntie but she is on some higher level of voodoo LOL). I present you, my medications!


This is the most Ive had to have in my young 22 year life span. Took about 3 of those today. I dont know if you can see but I had to write my own labels for them! Yes, I have 5 different meds for constipation. Constipation is the monster of all side effects! MONSTER. :(

Anyway, the few days have been ok. Tons of problems within the mouthern region - the tongue has little bumps and has refused to function. Throat hurts (I think its called Mucusitis) and my gums are inflammed. I may need to go to the dentist but all needs to be approved by my oncologist. I got the prescription for the Miracle Mouthwash - hope that helps tomorrow!

Totally OT but one of my favorite singers released a new EP and it has been on my Itunes since I got it... Laura Jansen's voice is so beautiful and her songs also ease me when Im having a rough day. Buy the EP here: Single Girls on Itunes

What Cancer Cannot Do

From the Pink Ribbon book Miss Heidi from Vera Bradley Foundation of Breast Cancer sent me...

What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited.
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot destroy peace.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot suppress memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot invade the soul.
It cannot steal eternal life.
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Days 5 and 6 have been good. Still no taste buds, ear still infected, joints kinda hurt, port wont stop bleeding - but I am in the greatest mood Ive been all week and for that, I cant complain. Getting my arm sleeve and glove for lymphedema prevention tomorrow.

Goodnight all!

Moment of Silence

Farewell my dear ranch dressing, my taste buds have killed you off. I will miss your rich, luscious taste. I dont care what you've heard, there is NOBODY else (ketchup doesnt do you justice). So long sweet condiment, know that you were always my favorite and that I would give my left kidney just to taste you the same again. :(

Love, your faithful friend.

Day 4: Chemo really sucks!

Im sorry I didnt get to blog yesterday! I was too tired and I have been in constant, inexplicable pain. Where to start...

My bones are sore. Super sore! Like I have been pumping weights since I was 16 kinda sore. My back hurts like I have been doing the limbo. Like I am in knots and I need a great masseuse to unkink me out of my pretzel-like body. With that said, the worse comes at night when I am trying to find a good place on the bed to sleep. Everywhere I lay, it hurts. My bones and the mattress are not happy with each other and I find myself always tossing and turning. I am sleepless and I dont know what to do! :(

I had a bit of a temperature last night - 99º. I was told that if it was to reach 100.1º then I needed to go to the emergency room. It was weird because I didn't feel like I had a fever. It has been 98.6º today. I dont know what to do - I cant find a decent place where I am in room temperature. I am mostly hot. (I am normally always cold)

My ear also feels infected. I havent thrown up, which is good. One of my awesome coworkers let me borrow her ReliefBand and I must say, it has been working like magic! When I feel nauseated, I turn it on and I feel tons better. I had it on all day yesterday :)

Foods that I can eat so far: wheat bread, chocolate muffin, soup (clam chowder, baked potato and chicken noodle), any chicken is DIVINE!, rice,

Foods that make me feel gross: anything tomato-based, anything garlic, anything greasy :(

I am also now dependent on those Mr. Icee Pops because the cure the mouth sores :) Motrin has been awesome for me (Im about to take it after I finish eating!) and the Neupogen injections suck big time.

Thank you to those who have been praying and sending me well messages - I really appreciate them! I can honestly say that going thru chemo is tough :( and somehow makes it real that cancer is some tough stuff... Ahhh... what I wouldn't give for a good orthopedic bed and a back massage...

Day 2

Will update as I get more... for now:

Constipation (sucks hardcore.)
Mouth sores (popping out all over my tongue, sensitive and bumpy)

Thats it for now. Going to go back to sleep. I am so tired from waking up all night.

Added 10:01 PM

My oncologist messed up. They dont have Neulasta at Kaiser so they ended up giving me Neupogen. I have to go back again tomorrow so they can teach me how to self-inject. I am tired and my joints are starting to hurt. I got a big box of Motrin so I hope that helps.

I got a router for the computer and it wont work. *frustrated beyond belief*

No other side effects for now. :) Good night all!

First Chemo - DONE!

I am finally home from the first chemo treatment. It wasnt bad at all! We got there at 8 but didnt really start until 10. They gave me a lot of premeds (benadryl, tylenol, etc) for counteracting any bad side effects like allergies, etc. The medications they gave me made me drowsy so I pretty much slept the whole day, except to wake up and have a light lunch. I left at about 4 PM.

I am not taking Taxol, I am taking Taxotere. Gloria told me the wrong med.

I have to go back tomorrow for the self-injection teaching. I get this medication called Neulasta every after chemo that will hopefully raise my white blood cells. I guess its supposed to kick my butt :( (Dr. said I will feel like a truck ran me over the day after LOL) so I have to take tons of Motrin for the pain.

Nothing wrong with me right now except that I am super tired. Im think its from the drowsy meds I got today. Bought tons of anti-bacterial and laxatives.

Also, have you seen my mohawk? ;)
I need to get used to short hair. I miss it but I totally look better than my boyfriend HAH :)

I start tomorrow!

Awesome reads/vids

What NOT to say to someone who has cancer - MUST WATCH! it will bring you the LMAOS :)
Relation of Alcohol to Breast Cancer
Michael Kors fights for Breast Cancer (he is one of my fave designers in the world!)
What Increases your risk for Breast Cancer

Quick update :)

I got my wig today! I have no pictures because I want to surprise you all when I actually wear it but someone is being a fun suck (aka the bf) - he doesnt like it! *nose scrunch* It was between that or a mid length black curly wig... I took the mom and it was awful - she was making me try on a mullet LOL! I understand that it will get hot and maybe there will come a time that this wig will bother me but I am still 22, still semi-vain, still wanna look good no matter what Im going thru. I refuse to have cancer and give in to the mullet! :)

My mom took me to the mall to buy some headscarves in case those hot days come. For Love 21 (im guessing Forever 21 accessories line) had some reeeeeally cute ones! I. died! I also bought a derby straw hat. HAHA I refuse to have cancer and have a crappy fashion sense! ;)

I also started my Decadron today. I didnt get most of the side effects listed until I actually read that list! Is it just my subconscious or am I really experiencing these? ;P Well, I was really irritated in the morning, about 30 mins after I took the pills. Im never really in a bad mood, everybody knows that I dont actually bitch until the middle of the day ;) Haha jaykay! Also, my feet did start tingling after a looooong day of errands today!

Well I still need to sort the DVDs Im taking tomorrow. Im still disappointed that Kaiser has adopted a policy that doesnt allow visitors during infusion for more than 5 minutes at a time. :( I think its a crappy policy, especially that most oncology centers do it, and this is the first Ive heard of it! I was really looking forward to my "Tuesdays with Cathy". :(

Goodnight all! Gotta be at Kaiser by 8. Will update tomorrow, wish me luck and hope for no wacky side effects! :)

Chemo Myths

My intro to this blog wasn't as detailed as it should be, especially now that we are well in our way towards my treatment. I started the blog as a way of recording my saga and I figured I need to explain exactly what I have so everybody can keep. I finally wrote them all down, please check out the right side of this blog! These details are taken from my pathology report. I can explain the best I can but I do have a hard time sometimes (Not a Science person!) so please consult your med books (aka Wikipedia).

I picked up all my anti-nausea meds today. They prescribed me 4 different kinds. :/ I am only to use them as needed so I hope it wont be as bad as Im thinking. I have a wig appointment at Susan G Komen on Monday.

I had a bunch of questions about starting chemo and here are the answers that I got. I gotta keep researching on these because these conflicting answers has got me confused!

1. Losing Hair
TRUE! A bunch of people are saying the losing hair is not given. Some people lose it and some people dont; however, Gloria says that with the medication Im taking, I -will- lose my hair within 2 weeks. :/ Need wig ASAP!

2. No Chocolates
FALSE! Well... it depends. If it makes me sick, then absolutely no. But if it doesnt, then it shouldn't matter. They give Oreo cookies as snacks - and boy, do I love my chocolate!

3. No Sushi
Unanswered :( Unfortunately, this one still needs further research because they said it depended again, on what makes me sick... but then its raw... so if anybody can answer this, let me know!

4. No Sunbathing
TRUE! The sun will burn me (struggling to not make dazzling, Cullens, vampire or any Twilight reference)! I dont know why my oncologist said its ok to go to the beach (she must really want me in pain) but it is absolutely NOT GOOD to be under the sun for too long. Chemicals can make my skin burn ASAP. Need moisturizer and SPF 50, hat, poncho, iron man suit and all that ;) JK...

5. No Alcohol
TRUE! The chemicals are hard on the liver so chemicals + alcohol = bad combo. My liver might fail :( LOL

6. My Pee is Lethal
TRUE! Unfortunately, these chemicals gotta go out some way. I have been warned to not deviate from using physical contraceptives. I need to flush the toilet twice...

7. No Working Out
FALSE! I am advised to stay active. If Im tired, rest. If not, I can keep myself active so I dont gain that steroid weight!

There will be more but I am soooo sleepy! So stay tuned until next blog...

More Days Like This Please...

I promised to post a lot of stuff today but I got caught up by the awesomeness of this day!

1. Lakers won Game 4.
2. I am not emotional anymore.
3. I finally got registered for chemo!

I start chemo on Tuesday! Although I did get in the research trial, I didn't get into the group that gets the extra "juice" so I only get standard treatment. I don't have the specifics in front of me, I meant to write up all my diagnosis, medications, treatments in their official terms but like I said, I had no time. Sorry! Maybe tomorrow...

I have a billion and one medications and as soon as I get a chance to write them out I hope people that have used them can give me some insight. What to do, what to expect, etc. I also have to start taking steroids...

We are going to be on the same medication, Jacob Black!

HAH! Just thought I'd get that hottie in there to top off this beautiful night. I promise to blog tomorrow!!!

I am waiting...

I have decided to wait until they take me in the Research trial.

I talked to my oncologist and Gloria, they both said that there is a window of 2-3 months to treat a patient for chemo after surgery. So far, I'm still waiting and we're well into the 1 1/2 months. I should be fine waiting. I don't know if that's true but hey, I am new to this cancer business so all I can do is believe the big dogs. Gloria promised to call me tomorrow with any updates. If I get a yes, then I start Friday. If nothing then I wait until next week.

Something is up with my hormones. I have been so emotional since last night. I cry then I stop. Then I get sad, then Im fine. It went on all day today and after a serious breakdown session I had tonight, I am completely wiped out of emotions. Must be time for Aunt Flo's visit...

I had some questions re: chemo and i did get some answers from my oncologist. I wanna post them for everyone to see but I am soooo tired I could barely write. So til tomorrow...

The Trials of the Research Trial

Prepare yourselves for more bad news... because that is usually the only reason I write here (with the exception of my new hair cut lol). So, take a deep breath because this is gonna be long... it has been a long week and its barely Tuesday so please, bear with me...

They wont treat me because...

wait for it...

...

my chemo port is possibly INFECTED!

I dont know if I ever wrote about trying to be in a research trial while doing chemo. Im too lazy to look back on my entries and its a lot faster if I just (re)explain. So I have been told that its better to be in a research trial (if you qualify) when getting chemo treatments. They give you the same cocktail as regular chemo treatments but also the chemical that theyre testing. The trial I was trying to get in had something to do with remission... that if they gave it to me early, what chances are of remission blah blah blah... (Im sorry, I dont remember the fine print)

PROS
1. One on one time with Gloria, the chemo nurse who is MORE awesome than hot fudge chocolate cake.
2. You get to help the breast cancer community with their findings.
3. It may work.

CONS
THEY ARE SO FREAKING PICKY THAT THEY KEEP DELAYING MY TREATMENT!
First, they needed a sample of my tissue to make sure that I was Her2 positive. (Because the pathologists at Kaiser are dumb and wouldn't know the difference between + and -, right?) Wait time = 1 week
Second, I needed a chemo port so they travelled all the way to hell, picked the damndest one and installed it on my chest (this really isnt their requirement but is needed for the multiple IV poke-a-thons and to save the uni-vein in my ONLY good arm) Wait time = 1 week
Third, they are concerned about cysts in my ovaries (or uterus? idk i am not familiar with the southern organs) so I must be referred to more tests. Wait time = 1 week

And now, they are "concerned" (yes, its so RIDICULOUS that it deserves a "" and italics!) about the infection of my chemo port - which means that unless someone in Kaiser says that it is NO problem to treat me with this infection, there will be MORE wait time. I will have to wait until I am clear of this infection. I will have to keep waiting until they run out of questions.

Or...

I can just throw in the research trial towel and go with regular chemo which means I can start this week. Which means I will be done in 18 weeks. Then I can finish radiation. Then go on with life.

I am so frustrated! I have to make a decision by tomorrow morning... and I dont know what to do... another one of those "Its up to you" (like the mastectomy vs. lumpectomy wasnt hard enough)

Anyway, my port is looking better, right? I hope it doesnt really gross people out because all these scars are leaving me with nothing acceptable to wear... LOL


I have physical therapy tomorrow (I havent been doing the exercises dont tell my therapist! I promise to do it 10 mins before my appt tomorrow ;P) and I get to see my oncologist to discuss this chemo fiasco.

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I wish Blogger supported a cut/jump so I can spare you on the rest of this entry. I am just really frustrated and I dont like venting in person. So you do not have to read the rest, its just how I am feeling...

Since the day I got cancer, I refused to do what most people do when they get diagnosed: Ask "Why me?". Ive been pretty good about it for the past 2 1/2 months - when the thought gets in my head, I rapidly push it away. But all these obstacles - the cancer, the port, the surgery, the mast vs lumpt, the "concerns" of research trial - its hard to be strong when you cant help feeling like you're being challenged or being punished by God...

I have cried 3 times throughout this whole ordeal
1. On the phone with my BFF Susie outside the doctors office the day they told me the bad news, March 22, 2009. About 3 mins to recollect myself.
2. In the car, alone, on my way to see Social Nurse, April 1, 2009. About 4 mins to recollect myself.
3. With my boyfriend, discussing mast vs. lumpt. About 15 mins to recollect myself.

The "Why me?" monster keeps trying to get in and I am losing the strength to push it out... its so hard and I *KNOW* that I am whining, its just that... man, oh man, why cant i get -MORE- breaks? Keep the good news coming, start my chemo, let me lose some weight, no need for radiation, Im cancer free forever... God.. give me something...

And now Im crying. June 9, 2009. Hopefully 7 months to recollect myself....