letting go and letting God

Good morning all :)

I was having a really crummy night yesterday. It all started when I walked in one of the rooms at work and one guy said that his friend just died of cancer yesterday. It kinda scared me, at first it didn't bug me, but then it dawned on me - what if i died of cancer? I know that there are a lot of survivors and I know that the treatment is better but based on the aggressiveness of what i have, what if the treatments don't work? Then i started reading about the statistics of breast cancer and how younger people have a lower survival rate... What if i go through all these and i still have it... I was being a big crybaby and a totally negative so I decided to call the Network of Strength and the person I spoke with told me to 1) stop going thru the internet to look for facts, 2) she went through the same exact treatments as me and has been free of cancer for 10 years, 3) keep thinking positive!

I am trying! Sometimes it just gets to be too much and I still have my worries but I think if I don't think too much about it, I wont get overwhelmed. I tried to do some retail therapy and bought stuff for the new apartment :) Nothing big, just little stuff...

Anyway, the sooner i think positive the sooner i feel better! Starting... right... now...

the start

Last night while I was in the shower, I thought - why not blog about everything that's happening to me now... I hope that some good would come out of it, using what i have as an opportunity to enlighten some people... and if not, then at least I would have the means to come back and reread everything I wrote during really challenging times...

So on 2 months-ish ago, I was getting ready to shower (I remember it like it was yesterday) when I was clowning around and for some unknown reason decided to do a quick breast exam. Well, I felt a lump on the right side of my boob so I had my boyfriend and my mom touch it and they were both weirded out so I ended making an appointment with the doctor.

Doctor #1. She said I was too young so it must be nothing. She quickly inserted a needle on this moving lump and she said it was just blood, no cyst. I really didnt think she knew what she was doing so she left me with another appointment with the breast surgery department and a really big bruise for days.

Doctor #2. Did another breast exam. She said it must be nothing because I am so young. Referred me to ultrasound.

Doctor #3. Ultrasound found my little black lump. And a little squiggle right under my armpit. She suggested a biopsy right there and then. She numbed the area, did the biopsy. Twice on the lump and the little squiggle. So 6 samples total. Told me to come back Monday for the results but it must be nothing because I am so young.

Same doctor #3, results. Samples came back: Cancer. I told her awesome... that it sucked... and I just blanked out after that. She was talking a lot, she was asking me how i was doing, she brought a surgeon next door to talk to me about everything but... nothing. I heard nothing, I understood nothing and when I asked about something, I got nothing. She told me to come back to talk to somebody about it... I asked her if i was dying tomorrow and she said no so I guessed it wasnt that bad...

So the next day, me and my boss' wife went to meet with the surgeon and he told me that they feel lumpectomy would be best with for sure chemo and then radiation. Then we met with the breast coordinator, she was an info in a stick! She showed me everything and sometimes I would blank out because I get so overwhelmed so I was so glad Jill came with me because she wrote everything down. So we determined, at the moment, i need a:

1. Breast MRI - to determine unseen cancer cells or maybe if the left one is infected
2. Mammogram - im not really sure why
3. Medical Oncologist - will tell me if i need chemo or surgery first
4. Surgery (Lumpectomy)
5. Genetics testing - because it was so weird that i am so young and i got it and maybe this is some weird gene thing
6. Social Services - to talk about getting on disability and how im handling this whole thing.

So how am I handling it? Well, when i first found out, I was super shocked. I could have sworn the doctor was kidding because she didn't look like the serious kind. Then i called Susie and I cried while explaining her. Then, I just stopped crying. Everybody I have told has been really positive about this whole deal so I decided to just take it one step at a time or else Im going to be so overwhelmed and turn into a big crybaby.

However, the boyfriend is not taking this so well. He cries everytime i mention it and I have a feeling he is going to need the positivity to get thru it. I feel so bad for him but when we talk about it, I end up crying... like yesterday. I dont know what to do... things are so early to tell but I have a feeling it will be just fine...

PS I got my surgery date! Its next month....