A Real Update

I promised to blog more so I figured I'd give y'all a good recap of what's been going on medical-wise.

My arm has been swollen for a few weeks now. I was warned that 1 out of 10 patients that get their lymph nodes removed during surgery could possibly get lymphedema and I may be getting it. I called my onc last month when it started happening. She sent me to a new therapist, one that specializes in lymphedema. I met with her the other day and she said my right arm is 8.1 cm bigger than the other. Eventhough my right arm should be bigger because its my main arm but it shouldn't be that big. It's not good that it's like this so she's gonna be spending some time with me. And she has a lymphedema class Ill be attending.

Besides sending me to a lymphedema therapist, she also said she's sending me to get a ultrasound of my chest. She thinks there may be a blood clot caused by my port which could be making my arm swollen. STUPID PORT FROM HELL. I honestly think that they never did this port right. Up til now, the port is still red and there is a tiny bump at the end of the scar. There is a strand of stitching that was left behind and the radiology department at Kaiser refuses to take it off because they'd have to open the whole thing all over again. The part of my chest where to PFH is located also stiffens up - I feel like its having a heart attack sometimes. Freakin foolish. I cant wait to get this port out.

My nausea was worse this chemosification #4. I felt sick all day, especially in the mornings. There is nothing precious about this at all. Feeling sick to my stomach over odor, food, anything and everything. My friend Sylvia told me about Emend, this pill that takes away 95% of nausea (aka gift from God, I'd like to think) so I tell my onc about it and she says NO. She says, "Take Zofran 3 times a day. (I already do, lady.) Take Compazine and Ativan at the same time right before you eat."

Are ya freakin kidding me?

Do y'all know how many pills I've had to drink ever since I started chemo? A TONLOAD. Its getting to the point where my gag reflex has given up white flag and everythang, haven't even put the pill on my tongue and Im already gagging. It sucks, especially when you have 20 billion pills to drink just to feel better and you're nauseous on top of that. Anyway, she said no and I have no choice so work with what I have. "It is what it is..."

Last time I also mentioned that Ive been having really, really mean headaches. Ever since chemo, everytime I wake up I feel like me and the significant other might have had an altercation and he socked me on my templars because they throb like there's no tomorrow. I complained to my onc 2 months ago and I got the "it is what it is..." but she did send me to get a cat scan of my head. They finally scheduled me last Friday after a month of waiting for that appointment - funny thing is, my paperwork said STAT... are ya kidding me?? Anyway, i hope its just a really bad chemo side effect and not a tumor in my brain or something...

What else? Oh yeah, I hate the freaking sun. It hurts my skin. EVERY. FREAKING. TIME. I hate the sun. I hate the heat. I want June gloom back!

Anyway, Im feeling a lot better. I think the worst part about chemo is being stuck on the bed, feeling so helpless and useless. Plus, the list of foods I may never be able to eat again ever in my life is getting longer.

PS. I was at Chuck E Cheese yesterday and this 7 year old girl sees me fix my bandana in the bathroom. She looks at me in the mirror, in horror. I thought she was gonna look away but she turned around and looked at me dead in the eye - "Why do you have that on your head?"

What would YOU have said??

Cause when I opened my mouth, the best thing I came up with was that it was hot... then I ran out. Awkward, right? Let's just say I didn't use the bathroom until we got home that day!

Name that Side Effect!

Chemo #4 is done, folks. I am now, once again, back on my feet, back to the whining of side effects from this wonderful chemo vacation. I guess this time was different - it was worse in a way that the side effects came faster than I expected - but the fact that I expected them helped. It was the same old, same old, nothing this awesomeface couldnt handle... of course I still writhed in pain and cursed all the chemo gods - but that totally comes with the experience.

Now that I have gone thru all 3 chemosifications and I have schooled all of you with how FUN and EXCITING it is, its now time to play a game: NAME THAT SIDE EFFECT! If you can name them all then you get these prizes:

1) trip to my house for a tour to see where I writhed in pain for 6 days and you can see the Gatorade bottle collection i have (it really is the Thirst Quencher, mind you)

2) 8 cheese wontons from Pick Up Stix on Wonton Wednesday! (YUM. I would play this game just for these wontons.)

3) A New Moon book signed by Peter Facinelli (but only if your name is Mike and you'd like to owe me a new New Moon book and I hope you learn your lesson NOT to tell Peter Facinelli the book was yours to begin with)

4) an imaginary thumbs up via any social networking tool of your choice (myspace, twitter, facebook, multiply, tumblr, etc...)

On to my game!

"Ok Robert Pattinson, your turn..."

"I really should not have eaten that last taco..."

My mom after seeing my credit card bill. :)

"Aw man, I forgot my cellphone..."

"Nom nom nom... that Edward cake is good"

Add these all up and you get me! One big ball of cancer reality... its only funny because its gone now and Im able to control myself again. I can make fun all I want but the past 7 days have been the worst days ever and as much as I don't EVER wanna go back to that again, no matter how bad, not even if I give up my messed up kidney and a first unborn child, i have no choice. I spend these days in bed with all these side effects, all these emotions and all these unexplainable grievances - thoughts I didn't even know I could think of... but when that chemo fog is lifted and all the side effects go away and all my hormones settle down and eat themselves some ice cream so they can shut the heck up... the world goes back to the way it was again even if its just for the next 2 weeks. And that is whatI look forward to...

Best reaction to Cancer

I wanna share with you all a story I am almost embarrassed to say. As you all know, I have been whining about taking steroids and the effect on chemo on my eating habits. First week after a chemosification, I pretty much do not eat anything due to the lack of appetite and the constant reminder of nausea. Second week, I gorge myself on hawaiian food because that is the only thing I can taste. Third week, i pretty much can eat everything. Then there is my "last supper" which is the day before chemo. My last supper 2 weeks ago consisted of turkey legs, frog legs, chocolate covered bacon and deep fried oreos. I think Jesus would have been jealous cause he only had wine and bread at his last supper.

Anyway, I have also been catching up with a lot of people that I haven't talked to in years. Cancer, for some reason, has forced me to mend some bridges that were burnt blockaded and those who I just have lost touch with over the years. It feels nice reconnecting with everybody, except everyone seems to already know about the big BC. I don't really care if anyone knew about my disease except for some reason, there is just some people that do not NEED to know. The reactions i get are priceless though -

1. "Dude, you got this. You can totally beat this cancer's ass." (Love the enthusiasm. I dont ever know what to say cept - OK ill try...)

2. "Man I feel bad everytime I hear these side effects you're going thru..." (I am sorry for telling you, I will never tell you again, block my blog! We both don't need to be feeling bad, y'know.. )

3. "I wish I knew what you're going thru..." (Um hi, love the sympathy but NO YOU DONT. Wouldnt want to wish this on anybody!)

4. "Dont worry, 3 more treatments left!" (You mean 3 more months....)

So anyway, the other day, I was chatting with a friend who I haven't talked to in years. For some reason, the big BC news got to her and I started giving her the rundown. Told her my surgery details. Told her the side effects of chemo in short version - "Sista, I am now bald and fat."

To which she replies, "Wow, you are the first person I ever heard that got fat on chemo."

WINNER FOR BEST REACTION EVER.

So I Was Thinking...

For some reason today was my "walk down memory lane" day. I got inspired to finally load up my Facebook with pictures (i think everybody was getting tired of seeing Shia Labeouf on my Wall) and I started looking at old pictures on my PC. I couldn't stop myself from thinking, "Wow... so and so month ago, I looked like this..." or "so and so time with so and so friend was good times!" or the best one - "Wow... i dont remember this night at all!" So I was thinking...

Extensions
So about a year ago, I was so obsessed with my hair and how I would look so awesome if I had long golden hair (not a la Rapunzel, a la Carrie Underwood). But it was just not working out because my hair was 1) dead 2) stumped. Does not wanna look healthy, does not wanna grow. What's a girl to do? So I was just about to pay $300+ on some awesome extensions... kept thinking about it but never went thru with it... Year later, I am bald and scalpy. I look like the Chinese version of Lord Voldemort.

Partying
So about a year ago (and about 5 more before that), I really really enjoyed partying. What can I say? I am always that person who loves a good margarita or two (or six) and give me a good song and I will dance on that dance floor. I am almost too outgoing for my own good... I have had my share of good and bad times. I had happy hours penciled on my calendar and I know the best bars with the cheapest drinks (and the hottest guys!).
Year later, I am diagnosed with fat liver. Cannot party or drink due to chemo. Cant even flirt due to chemo (and boyfriend but who is watching? ;p) All i have? Memories of good times. Stuck at home on a Friday night alternating Motrin and Zofran.

The Vegas
No words needed. I miss the Vegas.

Now, now... I am just reminiscing... how time passes by so fast. Never did I think a year ago that I would be where I was today, I would have what I had today, I would go through what I have today... But I still think things happen for a reason. So I was thinking, I would list the reasons why got Breast Cancer and heres what i came up with:

1. My hair is crap and being bald is a new way to start out all over again. Hello Cathy, you have no choice!
2. God is telling me to slow down on the partying so He put me on time out - 6 months no drinking! No partying! No flirting! No hitting poles trying to back up from gas stations! I mean...
3. I am also finally being FORCED to eat healthier (more on this on a new post). All my life I have chosen the crappiest foods - I never ate vegies, I always ate out, etc... and I think that after chemo is over, I need to start making healthier food choices. Sucks that chemo is making that hard for me but there is no time like now (learned that thanks to the big BC!!)
4. The Vegas needs a break from taking all my money. Plus disability doesnt pay shit. :)
5. If it weren't for chemo making my eyes blurry, I wouldn't have gone to the eye doctor and I wouldn't have known that I have been running on the wrong prescription for the past 2 years and that it is NOT normal that I cant read street signs... in broad daylight.
6. I wouldn't have a really cool scarf collection for my head. Now imagine me next year with hair, I have all these scarves to cover my neck. Way to look fashion forward!
7. I have 4 really sexy wigs. Meaning: excuse to have 4 different personalities.
8. I dont have to spend any more money getting waxed. Hair does not grow. Period.dot.com. I haven't shaved my legs in 2 months. DO NOT HATE. :)
9. The cancer card rarely gets denied. Imjus'ayin. Thank you, Taylor Lautner.
10. I realize how many people forreally genuinely care. Not just those I already know and love but even people I never thought liked me, people I could never stand (aka Mom), people in the same hole as I, people I dont normally talk to and even people I have never even met. It's almost surreal how much love is thrown at you that eventhough its scary at first - it is probably one of the few things that keeps me fighting...

Being a G aint easy

Boyfriend is outside watching Gran Torino. Not really into the movie so I decided to igloo it up in my room and write this blog since you guys haven't heard from me in a while. I am currently in Day 3, Cycle 3 - which means tons of writhing in pain and complaining. Not sure if that's the best circumstance to be writing but I am bored and it keeps me entertained.

All this chemosification is slowly scarring me. I can honestly say I am not the 100% go-getter I was when I first started 9 weeks ago. Before my first cycle, I walked in that room like a true G - no fear. I took the cocktails, I felt like shit, I poked myself with no hesitation and I came back up couple of days later like a true G. 2nd cycle, ended up in the hospital for some massive stomach infection. Felt like shit for 2 weeks, longer than usual. Now, I am back for cycle 3 and there is just so much stuff I am completely freaking out over.

Like pills. Anti-nausea pills are so freaking gross. So are steroids. They get stuck when Im trying to drink them and they taste like crap. Seriously?? I wish I had some hand held IV machine I could stick anti-nausea IV meds and itll go away so quickly. No more of this drinking the pill crap.

Nausea. I cannot stop feeling like Im going to turn over and throw up. It doesn't matter how I lay or what I eat, I feel like throwing up. Over all, in the past 2 days, I have eaten:
1. dry cheerios
2. gatorade
3. half a fiber bar
4. a milkshake

I cant eat. Chemo is the biggest burden and the fat kid in me is dying of malnutrition! :( I want to eat so bad but I cant because I am scarred by the fact that throwing up = SUCKS. Cant eat greasy foods, salty foods, too much foods... freaking A!

Lastly, I am scarred to go to bed. Everytime I sleep, i get the most vivid dreams and they keep me up. My brain just keeps flickering, showing me picture after picture like Im going through someone's photo album in warp speed. Its annoying and disturbing - do I really wanna be dreaming about my auntie's house in Vegas at a time like this?? REALLY?? On top of that, I cant really sleep...

I am so tired of chemo.. I am so tired of being "challenged"... I am soooo sooo tired of being "irregular"... I am normally never like this but I am just so so tired...