Boyfriend is outside watching Gran Torino. Not really into the movie so I decided to igloo it up in my room and write this blog since you guys haven't heard from me in a while. I am currently in Day 3, Cycle 3 - which means tons of writhing in pain and complaining. Not sure if that's the best circumstance to be writing but I am bored and it keeps me entertained.
All this chemosification is slowly scarring me. I can honestly say I am not the 100% go-getter I was when I first started 9 weeks ago. Before my first cycle, I walked in that room like a true G - no fear. I took the cocktails, I felt like shit, I poked myself with no hesitation and I came back up couple of days later like a true G. 2nd cycle, ended up in the hospital for some massive stomach infection. Felt like shit for 2 weeks, longer than usual. Now, I am back for cycle 3 and there is just so much stuff I am completely freaking out over.
Like pills. Anti-nausea pills are so freaking gross. So are steroids. They get stuck when Im trying to drink them and they taste like crap. Seriously?? I wish I had some hand held IV machine I could stick anti-nausea IV meds and itll go away so quickly. No more of this drinking the pill crap.
Nausea. I cannot stop feeling like Im going to turn over and throw up. It doesn't matter how I lay or what I eat, I feel like throwing up. Over all, in the past 2 days, I have eaten:
1. dry cheerios
2. gatorade
3. half a fiber bar
4. a milkshake
I cant eat. Chemo is the biggest burden and the fat kid in me is dying of malnutrition! :( I want to eat so bad but I cant because I am scarred by the fact that throwing up = SUCKS. Cant eat greasy foods, salty foods, too much foods... freaking A!
Lastly, I am scarred to go to bed. Everytime I sleep, i get the most vivid dreams and they keep me up. My brain just keeps flickering, showing me picture after picture like Im going through someone's photo album in warp speed. Its annoying and disturbing - do I really wanna be dreaming about my auntie's house in Vegas at a time like this?? REALLY?? On top of that, I cant really sleep...
I am so tired of chemo.. I am so tired of being "challenged"... I am soooo sooo tired of being "irregular"... I am normally never like this but I am just so so tired...
Saturday, August 1, 2009
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3 comments:
hang in there bb.
you're still the toughest g i know.
...and g's are allowed to get tired once in a while :)
Hang in there baby gurl. I can't even say that I know what you're going thru but just reading everything you write....I have so much respect for you. I swear I'd gladly trade a day with you if I could. I'm sure it feels like all of this is never gonna go away but pretty soon it will. YOu're already more than 50% thru this and before u know it....you'll be free of it. Keep your head up mama k? LOve ya lots!!!!
Hey Gurl!
I just read your "G" entry...and gurl i'm with u all the way ;o) I'll send u a message soon... Day 2 of chemo for me! days like these suck when u wish u were your old self...but we will be, and these days... they come and go!
xo
Sylvia from Breats Cancer Smancer
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