So I Was Thinking...

For some reason today was my "walk down memory lane" day. I got inspired to finally load up my Facebook with pictures (i think everybody was getting tired of seeing Shia Labeouf on my Wall) and I started looking at old pictures on my PC. I couldn't stop myself from thinking, "Wow... so and so month ago, I looked like this..." or "so and so time with so and so friend was good times!" or the best one - "Wow... i dont remember this night at all!" So I was thinking...

Extensions
So about a year ago, I was so obsessed with my hair and how I would look so awesome if I had long golden hair (not a la Rapunzel, a la Carrie Underwood). But it was just not working out because my hair was 1) dead 2) stumped. Does not wanna look healthy, does not wanna grow. What's a girl to do? So I was just about to pay $300+ on some awesome extensions... kept thinking about it but never went thru with it... Year later, I am bald and scalpy. I look like the Chinese version of Lord Voldemort.

Partying
So about a year ago (and about 5 more before that), I really really enjoyed partying. What can I say? I am always that person who loves a good margarita or two (or six) and give me a good song and I will dance on that dance floor. I am almost too outgoing for my own good... I have had my share of good and bad times. I had happy hours penciled on my calendar and I know the best bars with the cheapest drinks (and the hottest guys!).
Year later, I am diagnosed with fat liver. Cannot party or drink due to chemo. Cant even flirt due to chemo (and boyfriend but who is watching? ;p) All i have? Memories of good times. Stuck at home on a Friday night alternating Motrin and Zofran.

The Vegas
No words needed. I miss the Vegas.

Now, now... I am just reminiscing... how time passes by so fast. Never did I think a year ago that I would be where I was today, I would have what I had today, I would go through what I have today... But I still think things happen for a reason. So I was thinking, I would list the reasons why got Breast Cancer and heres what i came up with:

1. My hair is crap and being bald is a new way to start out all over again. Hello Cathy, you have no choice!
2. God is telling me to slow down on the partying so He put me on time out - 6 months no drinking! No partying! No flirting! No hitting poles trying to back up from gas stations! I mean...
3. I am also finally being FORCED to eat healthier (more on this on a new post). All my life I have chosen the crappiest foods - I never ate vegies, I always ate out, etc... and I think that after chemo is over, I need to start making healthier food choices. Sucks that chemo is making that hard for me but there is no time like now (learned that thanks to the big BC!!)
4. The Vegas needs a break from taking all my money. Plus disability doesnt pay shit. :)
5. If it weren't for chemo making my eyes blurry, I wouldn't have gone to the eye doctor and I wouldn't have known that I have been running on the wrong prescription for the past 2 years and that it is NOT normal that I cant read street signs... in broad daylight.
6. I wouldn't have a really cool scarf collection for my head. Now imagine me next year with hair, I have all these scarves to cover my neck. Way to look fashion forward!
7. I have 4 really sexy wigs. Meaning: excuse to have 4 different personalities.
8. I dont have to spend any more money getting waxed. Hair does not grow. Period.dot.com. I haven't shaved my legs in 2 months. DO NOT HATE. :)
9. The cancer card rarely gets denied. Imjus'ayin. Thank you, Taylor Lautner.
10. I realize how many people forreally genuinely care. Not just those I already know and love but even people I never thought liked me, people I could never stand (aka Mom), people in the same hole as I, people I dont normally talk to and even people I have never even met. It's almost surreal how much love is thrown at you that eventhough its scary at first - it is probably one of the few things that keeps me fighting...

Part of where Im going is knowing where Im coming from..

[I am alive!] The past week was my 3rd week after chemosification #1 and I have been enjoying it like a regular person. I work, I eat (and abundantly - Im so guilty), I work out, I hang out with friends - I enjoyed the world like there is no other. I knew chemosification #2 was just around the corner and I was just ecstatic to have my energy, my tastebuds, my ears, nose, teeth, gums back. Of course this was all done sans hair. My hair started falling off on Day 15. Slowly at first but when I showered, it covered my hands and my tub. It was gross and heartbreaking at the same time - of course, I got over it in 5 seconds and decided to shave it all off. That way when it grows back, it'll be in one size. EXCEPT for this -
Boyfriend decided to pull certain parts of my hair and thus, created a bald spot. And he decided to do this twice to prove a point! I was soooooooooo mad (but got over it after a while...).

Cons of having no hair
1. It is ALWAYS cold. The Antartica resides on my head - its always, always freezing. I took that picture about 5 mins ago and I had to put my scarf back on right away. Horrible!
2. I look like a pre-pubscent Chinese boy.
3. I didn't realize I was converting into velcro-head. Um, who knew this bald head would stick to everything? Felt like I propped a porcupine on my head and just ran along with it. ;)
4. The boyfriend also shaved his head so we have been mistaken for twins.

Pros
1. It takes me 2 mins to shower. Real deal. I don't have to lather with shampoo, condition, deep oil condition, wash with cold water for shine... Me and the said boyfriend had a convo about using shampoos on our hair - he says yes, I say no - my hair follicles are dead. Eventhough Im still getting used to it. I accidentally put a half-dollar amount on my hand - whoops complete waste!
2. I dont have to blowdry, straighten, curl, style, protect the hair! Woohoo. Time saved: 30 mins.
3. Wigs are awesome - they are styled and they always fall back in shape. What isn't awesome is the heat. And it hurts after a while. But pain is beauty - dont judge me!
4. Scarves are also awesome. I loves. :)


Anyway, enough about hair. I start chemosification #2 tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to go thru the hell-ish feeling again but these are doctor's orders and I must. It lasts about a good 2 weeks until Im completely back to normal so I will update you on how it goes this time. Everybody is telling me that I should see it as I only have 4 more treatments and I am done... and its true. I cant wait and I should just look ahead and not let the bad linger. This too shall pass... :)

What else has been happening as of the late...

I got my lymphedema "preventative" sleeves. It's "preventative" because they dont want to test or do lymphedema treatments yet due to chemo and last time they checked it was only 1 cm bigger than my non-affected arm. I hate this damn sleeve. Its so tight. And another fashion cramper! Someone told me it looked like a prosthetic arm... lol. I also have a Michael Jackson glove aka "gauntlet". It rocks, except that it hinders my fast typing abilities.

I also went to get my blood drawn today for tomorrow. They sat me next to this lady who asked what I had. Told her BC and I am 23. She looked at me like I was some kind of mythical creature and proceeded to say - "Wow, you are SO young!" I went to Pick Up Stix to celebrate my "last supper" and the lady behind the counter noticed that I left the needle access to my port. She asked what it was.

"A needle access."
"A What??"
"A chemo port."
"NoooooooOOoo... No!" (Almost reminded me of stuttering Kristen Stewart on Twilight)
I nodded my head.
"But you are so young!"

Ahhh. I know. Im like one of the few unicorns in this mystery called cancer but it happens. Its rare but it happens. Its sad, its unfair, its challenging, its surreal... but it happens. I sigh. I get sad. Then I get over it... because it has happened and all I can do is be thankful that I am being treated, be humbled by the love and support I never realized I had, be strong for those who wish they could help me but dont know how and be reunited to everything I took forgranted before it all happened.

I swear if I had a nickle for every time I heard "But you are so young!", I would be able to buy 4 wontons at Pick Up Stix Wonton Wednesdays - and it would totally make my day.

Anyway, I have to go prepare what Im bringing for my 6 hour chemosification #2 tomorrow. I wish you could all come with me (just kidding - you all wont fit and Kaiser does not allow visitors over 5 mins!) but because you cant, I shall bring my Twilight DVD and "accidentally" forget my earphones so the whole C-unit would be introduced to the magically delicious acting of Robert Pattinson.

Goodnight!

So long, farewell

Dear Friends,

I hope you all got a good look at my mohawk (its here in case you havent). Do so quickly, burn it in your brain because guess what... my hair has now started falling off!


My boyfriend thinks I am tugging on it (Yeah, because you swear that is an awesome feeling) but Im totally not. It comes off. On my hand. Fairly quickly, I might add.

Can i just say how excited I am that its totally falling off? Is that so wrong? :)

1. Falling hair = Side effects. Side effects = chemo chemicals working (cross your fingers)
2. When my hair grows back, it'll be 200% healthier than my current hair. I will NEVER dye it again after it grows back. I swear on Robert Pattinson! :)
3. I get to wear my awesome wigs (and go on lovely adventures)

The only sad part about this is that I only got to rock my mohawk for 2 weeks... booo :( You all are invited to the funeral of my hair... I will be burying it next to my ranch dressing... :(

Bookwormathon : Anti-Cancer A New Way Of Life

I mentioned in my previous posts that I have been reading a lot of Cancer-related books and Im going to share keypoints/funfacts/post-it grabbing parts of the books so you can all have something smart to take out of my blog. This section of the blog will be called Bookwormathon and will be done everytime I finish a book.

Anti Cancer: A New Way of Life
David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD
"All of us have cancer cells in our bodies. But not all of us will develop cancer."

Statistics are information, not condemnation.

Serious illness can be a terribly lonely journey. Gentle, constant, reliable presence is often the most beautiful gift our dear ones can give us. But not many of them know that.

In the US, between 1975 and 1994, cancer rate in women under 45 has risen by 1.6% a year.

Three major factors have drastically disrupted our environment over the last 50 years:
1. Addition of large quantities of highly refind sugar to our diet.
2. Changes in methods of farming and raising animals, and as a result, in our food.
3. Exposure to a large number of chemical products that didnt exist pre 1940

Simple recommendations to slow the spread of cancer:
1. Eat sugar and white flour sparingly. Replace them with agave nectar for sweetening, multigrain flour for pastas and breads.
2. Avoid all hydrogenated vegetable fats "trans fats" and all animal fats. Olive oil is excellent vegetable fat.

Finding out you have cancer is a shock. You feel betrayed by life and by your own body. But finding out you've had a relapse is crushing. It's as if youve discovered that the monster you'd vanquished was still there. It had gone on tracking you in the shadows and wound up catching you again.

Today the word "cancer" is no longer synonymous with death. But it suggests its shadow. This shadow is an occassion to think about our life, about what we want to do with it.

"Yes, I may die earlier than foreseen. But it is also possible that Ill live longer. Whatever happes, Im going to live my life as well as I can from now on."

Cathy's Take: Half of the book talks about nutrition and what to eat in order to prevent cancer. It was explained over and over again how certain foods are particularly bad (including items listed above). Also tells us that being happy will cause less cancer than surrounding yourself with stress. The book also tells us the story of when the writer got brain cancer and how he dealt with it. How he accepted love after getting brain cancer, the pangs of recurrence and the difficulty of choosing what to do next after diagnosis... And I understand where he is coming from. The choices you have to face after being diagnosed becomes a burden - there is never just one solid route to go.

Speaking from personal experience, once I was told that it was MY option between having a lumpectomy or bilat mastectomy, I started falling apart! What do I know!?! You're my surgeon, what should I choose so it doesnt come back? These options were my nightmares, I was not at the right state of mind to decide, I hardly knew what they were talking about and the worst part of it all, what do you mean, after all this shit I gotta go thru theres NO guarantee it wont come back??? So then I read more books, I asked more people, I researched the internet (Ohhh this is the worst!) and you read statistics like, "The rate for women under 30 surviving breast cancer is 68%" (I totally made this up, I cant remember what I read off of google but it was something along these lines - and if you are reading this and you found my site off google, please know this is just an example statistic, don't believe it and dont drive yourself mad ;)). AHHHH! Cancer can drive you just about mad. But do not fret, as with knowledge comes power. Send yourself to the library (I do and they love me there, most especially when they collect late fees, those peeps are worse than Blockbuster and they call you everyday!), read *RELIABLE* internet (not wikipedia *gasp* but ACS, Chemocare, YSC, etc) and ask! Do NOT be afraid to ask!!! I swear my oncologist hates when I ask questions because everytime she answers, she makes this sourface first like "UGH JOYCATHERINE I ALREADY TOLD YOU THIS !@#$%!!" but I have to ask... I dont want to walk around with stupidity on my sleeves and be unequipped like "I dont really know..." I have asked her the dumbest questions like, "why do I have to flush the toilet twice after chemo, its not like anybody ever touches the bowl... ?" and as much as I hate seeing the sourface, Im always glad I asked. :)

Medicina

If only it was real that laughter is the best medicine... But its not. And we all still need to use real medicine to cure most medicinal problems (or herbal teas and chants according to my auntie but she is on some higher level of voodoo LOL). I present you, my medications!


This is the most Ive had to have in my young 22 year life span. Took about 3 of those today. I dont know if you can see but I had to write my own labels for them! Yes, I have 5 different meds for constipation. Constipation is the monster of all side effects! MONSTER. :(

Anyway, the few days have been ok. Tons of problems within the mouthern region - the tongue has little bumps and has refused to function. Throat hurts (I think its called Mucusitis) and my gums are inflammed. I may need to go to the dentist but all needs to be approved by my oncologist. I got the prescription for the Miracle Mouthwash - hope that helps tomorrow!

Totally OT but one of my favorite singers released a new EP and it has been on my Itunes since I got it... Laura Jansen's voice is so beautiful and her songs also ease me when Im having a rough day. Buy the EP here: Single Girls on Itunes

What Cancer Cannot Do

From the Pink Ribbon book Miss Heidi from Vera Bradley Foundation of Breast Cancer sent me...

What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited.
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot destroy peace.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot suppress memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot invade the soul.
It cannot steal eternal life.
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Days 5 and 6 have been good. Still no taste buds, ear still infected, joints kinda hurt, port wont stop bleeding - but I am in the greatest mood Ive been all week and for that, I cant complain. Getting my arm sleeve and glove for lymphedema prevention tomorrow.

Goodnight all!

Moment of Silence

Farewell my dear ranch dressing, my taste buds have killed you off. I will miss your rich, luscious taste. I dont care what you've heard, there is NOBODY else (ketchup doesnt do you justice). So long sweet condiment, know that you were always my favorite and that I would give my left kidney just to taste you the same again. :(

Love, your faithful friend.

Day 4: Chemo really sucks!

Im sorry I didnt get to blog yesterday! I was too tired and I have been in constant, inexplicable pain. Where to start...

My bones are sore. Super sore! Like I have been pumping weights since I was 16 kinda sore. My back hurts like I have been doing the limbo. Like I am in knots and I need a great masseuse to unkink me out of my pretzel-like body. With that said, the worse comes at night when I am trying to find a good place on the bed to sleep. Everywhere I lay, it hurts. My bones and the mattress are not happy with each other and I find myself always tossing and turning. I am sleepless and I dont know what to do! :(

I had a bit of a temperature last night - 99º. I was told that if it was to reach 100.1º then I needed to go to the emergency room. It was weird because I didn't feel like I had a fever. It has been 98.6º today. I dont know what to do - I cant find a decent place where I am in room temperature. I am mostly hot. (I am normally always cold)

My ear also feels infected. I havent thrown up, which is good. One of my awesome coworkers let me borrow her ReliefBand and I must say, it has been working like magic! When I feel nauseated, I turn it on and I feel tons better. I had it on all day yesterday :)

Foods that I can eat so far: wheat bread, chocolate muffin, soup (clam chowder, baked potato and chicken noodle), any chicken is DIVINE!, rice,

Foods that make me feel gross: anything tomato-based, anything garlic, anything greasy :(

I am also now dependent on those Mr. Icee Pops because the cure the mouth sores :) Motrin has been awesome for me (Im about to take it after I finish eating!) and the Neupogen injections suck big time.

Thank you to those who have been praying and sending me well messages - I really appreciate them! I can honestly say that going thru chemo is tough :( and somehow makes it real that cancer is some tough stuff... Ahhh... what I wouldn't give for a good orthopedic bed and a back massage...

Day 2

Will update as I get more... for now:

Constipation (sucks hardcore.)
Mouth sores (popping out all over my tongue, sensitive and bumpy)

Thats it for now. Going to go back to sleep. I am so tired from waking up all night.

Added 10:01 PM

My oncologist messed up. They dont have Neulasta at Kaiser so they ended up giving me Neupogen. I have to go back again tomorrow so they can teach me how to self-inject. I am tired and my joints are starting to hurt. I got a big box of Motrin so I hope that helps.

I got a router for the computer and it wont work. *frustrated beyond belief*

No other side effects for now. :) Good night all!