fighting a battle

Hello all :) I am going to try to write as fast as I can because the fairest of them all (aka the bf) wants to go to sleep and I am still typing.

I was watching Sex in the City season 6.2 Episode 2 when Samantha got diagnosed with breast cancer and when she was telling Carrie about it on the cab ride to Miranda's wedding, i just got really, really sad. I started crying and just crying and I couldn't stop for hours. She described how I was feeling and it was like she was acting on how I was feeling - calm and collected on the outside but really weird on the inside. I took a long bath (with bubbles and everything!), didn't feel better. I tried to text people, didn't feel better. Boyfriend came over, didn't feel better. I started an argument because I wanted to distract myself from thinking about this stupid cancer.

I cried all night, sporadically. I thought I was stronger than this; I have been for the past 3 weeks. Maybe this situation is finally starting to sink in...

But I don't want to keep crying about this... I don't want to feel sad every time someone brings it up (especially some douche in the sales office who wanted to play billion and one questions about the big BC in front of the rest of the sales guys- I don't even know how he found out!). Every time I remember, I cry! Is this because of the hormone receptor that tested weakly positive!? (I don't really know what I said, all I know is I have messed up hormones due to the cancer and maybe this is causing my instant pms)

In the past 3 weeks that I haven't been depressed (or the past 3 weeks I have suppressed my feelings too well), I have been trying to find the good, life changing reasons why I got this and everybody has been very helpful in pointing them out to me.

#1. I have been praying hard for the past 3 weeks and I can honestly say, these are the hardest, most sincere prayers I have ever said in my life. I have always grown up believing in religion, saying my prayers, going to church but after I moved here in the US, after I started growing up (I'm talking teens), after I moved out, I kind of lost all my faith. Maybe thats why God gave me cancer... to bring me back...

#2. My mom and I have never seen eye to eye. We have been the oil and water of the family (me being the water, of course) and ever since she went thru her divorce and started gunning for the 'Manipulator of the Year award', I feel like we just stopped being family. I wouldn't see her for days, she would be so busy planning her mid-life steps to riches and me and James would be very busy playing family. But ever since she found out about the big C, she has been trying really hard to be there for me. She stopped nitpicking everything in my life, she is actually approving and supportive, she is still very nosy although I find that she is just trying to watch out for me... my mom is actually starting to care. I kind of feel bad... we went to eat at Home Town Buffet right after my MRI on Wednesday and she kept bugging me about eating healthy so I made some stupid joke about how I may only have 8 mos to live so she should just let me make my own food choices. I was so comfortable, I didn't even think anything of it but James told me that she came home that day crying because it was so hard to hear. I don't know how much of a reality that could turn into but as my mother, I don't think it was something she was ready to hear.

Im sure there will be more lessons to learn from this but for now, I am fighting this battle of depression (lack of a better term, not like im suicidal or anything, just feeling very, very sad). I'm sure it will go away soon, maybe a trip to Ikea or something...