So I Was Thinking...

For some reason today was my "walk down memory lane" day. I got inspired to finally load up my Facebook with pictures (i think everybody was getting tired of seeing Shia Labeouf on my Wall) and I started looking at old pictures on my PC. I couldn't stop myself from thinking, "Wow... so and so month ago, I looked like this..." or "so and so time with so and so friend was good times!" or the best one - "Wow... i dont remember this night at all!" So I was thinking...

Extensions
So about a year ago, I was so obsessed with my hair and how I would look so awesome if I had long golden hair (not a la Rapunzel, a la Carrie Underwood). But it was just not working out because my hair was 1) dead 2) stumped. Does not wanna look healthy, does not wanna grow. What's a girl to do? So I was just about to pay $300+ on some awesome extensions... kept thinking about it but never went thru with it... Year later, I am bald and scalpy. I look like the Chinese version of Lord Voldemort.

Partying
So about a year ago (and about 5 more before that), I really really enjoyed partying. What can I say? I am always that person who loves a good margarita or two (or six) and give me a good song and I will dance on that dance floor. I am almost too outgoing for my own good... I have had my share of good and bad times. I had happy hours penciled on my calendar and I know the best bars with the cheapest drinks (and the hottest guys!).
Year later, I am diagnosed with fat liver. Cannot party or drink due to chemo. Cant even flirt due to chemo (and boyfriend but who is watching? ;p) All i have? Memories of good times. Stuck at home on a Friday night alternating Motrin and Zofran.

The Vegas
No words needed. I miss the Vegas.

Now, now... I am just reminiscing... how time passes by so fast. Never did I think a year ago that I would be where I was today, I would have what I had today, I would go through what I have today... But I still think things happen for a reason. So I was thinking, I would list the reasons why got Breast Cancer and heres what i came up with:

1. My hair is crap and being bald is a new way to start out all over again. Hello Cathy, you have no choice!
2. God is telling me to slow down on the partying so He put me on time out - 6 months no drinking! No partying! No flirting! No hitting poles trying to back up from gas stations! I mean...
3. I am also finally being FORCED to eat healthier (more on this on a new post). All my life I have chosen the crappiest foods - I never ate vegies, I always ate out, etc... and I think that after chemo is over, I need to start making healthier food choices. Sucks that chemo is making that hard for me but there is no time like now (learned that thanks to the big BC!!)
4. The Vegas needs a break from taking all my money. Plus disability doesnt pay shit. :)
5. If it weren't for chemo making my eyes blurry, I wouldn't have gone to the eye doctor and I wouldn't have known that I have been running on the wrong prescription for the past 2 years and that it is NOT normal that I cant read street signs... in broad daylight.
6. I wouldn't have a really cool scarf collection for my head. Now imagine me next year with hair, I have all these scarves to cover my neck. Way to look fashion forward!
7. I have 4 really sexy wigs. Meaning: excuse to have 4 different personalities.
8. I dont have to spend any more money getting waxed. Hair does not grow. Period.dot.com. I haven't shaved my legs in 2 months. DO NOT HATE. :)
9. The cancer card rarely gets denied. Imjus'ayin. Thank you, Taylor Lautner.
10. I realize how many people forreally genuinely care. Not just those I already know and love but even people I never thought liked me, people I could never stand (aka Mom), people in the same hole as I, people I dont normally talk to and even people I have never even met. It's almost surreal how much love is thrown at you that eventhough its scary at first - it is probably one of the few things that keeps me fighting...

Being a G aint easy

Boyfriend is outside watching Gran Torino. Not really into the movie so I decided to igloo it up in my room and write this blog since you guys haven't heard from me in a while. I am currently in Day 3, Cycle 3 - which means tons of writhing in pain and complaining. Not sure if that's the best circumstance to be writing but I am bored and it keeps me entertained.

All this chemosification is slowly scarring me. I can honestly say I am not the 100% go-getter I was when I first started 9 weeks ago. Before my first cycle, I walked in that room like a true G - no fear. I took the cocktails, I felt like shit, I poked myself with no hesitation and I came back up couple of days later like a true G. 2nd cycle, ended up in the hospital for some massive stomach infection. Felt like shit for 2 weeks, longer than usual. Now, I am back for cycle 3 and there is just so much stuff I am completely freaking out over.

Like pills. Anti-nausea pills are so freaking gross. So are steroids. They get stuck when Im trying to drink them and they taste like crap. Seriously?? I wish I had some hand held IV machine I could stick anti-nausea IV meds and itll go away so quickly. No more of this drinking the pill crap.

Nausea. I cannot stop feeling like Im going to turn over and throw up. It doesn't matter how I lay or what I eat, I feel like throwing up. Over all, in the past 2 days, I have eaten:
1. dry cheerios
2. gatorade
3. half a fiber bar
4. a milkshake

I cant eat. Chemo is the biggest burden and the fat kid in me is dying of malnutrition! :( I want to eat so bad but I cant because I am scarred by the fact that throwing up = SUCKS. Cant eat greasy foods, salty foods, too much foods... freaking A!

Lastly, I am scarred to go to bed. Everytime I sleep, i get the most vivid dreams and they keep me up. My brain just keeps flickering, showing me picture after picture like Im going through someone's photo album in warp speed. Its annoying and disturbing - do I really wanna be dreaming about my auntie's house in Vegas at a time like this?? REALLY?? On top of that, I cant really sleep...

I am so tired of chemo.. I am so tired of being "challenged"... I am soooo sooo tired of being "irregular"... I am normally never like this but I am just so so tired...