Postsecret

Every Sunday, I wake up and head straight to my computer. Besides tending to my imaginary crops on Farmville, part of my Sunday morning ritual is checking on the week's Postsecret. Its when people send in their secrets on a postcard to Frank in MD and he posts them. Some secrets are funny, some secrets are sad and disturbing and some you can most definitely relate to. So while browsing thru today's secrets, I came across this...

First of all, homegirl is delirious to wish to get breast cancer. Any form of cancer, really. I don't know why they cant just make it easy and wish to BE skinny... or wish for a genie to grant them $10k for liposuction or something.

Second of all, anyone actually looking forward towards chemo is 100% disturbed. Chemo SUCKS. Its funny because Hollywood always portrays chemo patients as these skinny malnourished patients and its 100% UNREAL. Tell you the truth, when I found out I was getting chemo, I was secretly happy because I thought I was going to lose weight because of this Hollywood stereotype. But let me tell you something... even though you can't eat, even though you may vomit, most patients actually gain weight due to steroids and it messes up your eating routine. Your taste buds are shot, your mouth has sores, your gums hurt, your teeth ache and sometimes, you cant eat raw foods, you cant drink alcohol, you cant have sushi, you crave a burger, nothing too salty, too sweet, too spicy, nothing that smells funky (but everything smells funky!)... so you eat whatever you can. My mom says I am eating too much to prepare when I cant... which is rude but semi-true at the same time.

Last but not least, the day you have to make the decision to lose your boobs will be one of the toughest days in your life. I am tearing up just writing about this because I remember the day I had to make the decision and everyone kept advising me to do it. I chose against it and went for lumpectomy. My onc-a-deville actually gave me the stink eye when I told her I didn't want to lose my boobs because she said my cancer was unfavorable and it would be favorable for me if I chose mastectomy. But I couldnt do it. I thought long and hard and even though I agreed, I was 100,000% relieved when my surgeon advised me against it. I really wasn't ready to lose a part of my body... a part of myself. Granted, my boobs still look deformed. I still cringe everyday when I massage my armpit where they did the surgery. My left boob sags like Im 70 years old because they took a benign tumor out from there. It still takes everything in me to look in the mirror before showering because I cant handle looking at myself. I don't look the same as I used to. I am self-conscious of what I wear because no matter what I do, I constantly look like shit. I have never been this low and it kills me. I have lost my confidence because of this disease and I cannot wait until chemo is done, til radiation is done, so I can reconstruct myself and my life from the destruction it's done.

I hate what breast cancer has done to me. There are nights I stay up asking why me, shredding every bit of myth how I could have gotten this unfair disease. Sometimes I really, really wish we could fast forward our lives. Thats my secret.