Postsecret

Every Sunday, I wake up and head straight to my computer. Besides tending to my imaginary crops on Farmville, part of my Sunday morning ritual is checking on the week's Postsecret. Its when people send in their secrets on a postcard to Frank in MD and he posts them. Some secrets are funny, some secrets are sad and disturbing and some you can most definitely relate to. So while browsing thru today's secrets, I came across this...

First of all, homegirl is delirious to wish to get breast cancer. Any form of cancer, really. I don't know why they cant just make it easy and wish to BE skinny... or wish for a genie to grant them $10k for liposuction or something.

Second of all, anyone actually looking forward towards chemo is 100% disturbed. Chemo SUCKS. Its funny because Hollywood always portrays chemo patients as these skinny malnourished patients and its 100% UNREAL. Tell you the truth, when I found out I was getting chemo, I was secretly happy because I thought I was going to lose weight because of this Hollywood stereotype. But let me tell you something... even though you can't eat, even though you may vomit, most patients actually gain weight due to steroids and it messes up your eating routine. Your taste buds are shot, your mouth has sores, your gums hurt, your teeth ache and sometimes, you cant eat raw foods, you cant drink alcohol, you cant have sushi, you crave a burger, nothing too salty, too sweet, too spicy, nothing that smells funky (but everything smells funky!)... so you eat whatever you can. My mom says I am eating too much to prepare when I cant... which is rude but semi-true at the same time.

Last but not least, the day you have to make the decision to lose your boobs will be one of the toughest days in your life. I am tearing up just writing about this because I remember the day I had to make the decision and everyone kept advising me to do it. I chose against it and went for lumpectomy. My onc-a-deville actually gave me the stink eye when I told her I didn't want to lose my boobs because she said my cancer was unfavorable and it would be favorable for me if I chose mastectomy. But I couldnt do it. I thought long and hard and even though I agreed, I was 100,000% relieved when my surgeon advised me against it. I really wasn't ready to lose a part of my body... a part of myself. Granted, my boobs still look deformed. I still cringe everyday when I massage my armpit where they did the surgery. My left boob sags like Im 70 years old because they took a benign tumor out from there. It still takes everything in me to look in the mirror before showering because I cant handle looking at myself. I don't look the same as I used to. I am self-conscious of what I wear because no matter what I do, I constantly look like shit. I have never been this low and it kills me. I have lost my confidence because of this disease and I cannot wait until chemo is done, til radiation is done, so I can reconstruct myself and my life from the destruction it's done.

I hate what breast cancer has done to me. There are nights I stay up asking why me, shredding every bit of myth how I could have gotten this unfair disease. Sometimes I really, really wish we could fast forward our lives. Thats my secret.

Postponed

I think my body forgot we didn't have chemo last week because I am still having an awful, side-effect filled week. I have been getting really bad headaches and Ive been burping a lot (something I always do when nauseated). My bones hurt as if I took my Neupogen shot... why dear Chemo gods can you not gimme a break? You couldn't postpone my side effects too?

... Rewind ...

So as you know I always go to my chemosifications every Thursday, every 3 weeks. So Thursday, Sept. 10, I stayed up til 3 AM the night before because I was so anxious (my brain was going "OMGOMGOMG Chemo #5 I dont know if im so excited because its almost over or because I dont want it to come") so when it was time to get up for my 8 AM chemo appointment, I totally did not. So, my friends, I was late. Got there at 9 something.

I go see my onc-a-deville (a la Cruella de Ville) because she is eeeeeviiiiieeeel and we sit there chit chatting how life has been in the past 3 weeks. We do our teet for tat, I tell her Im suffering, she tells me "It is how it is..." I tell her how disatisfied I am with the new therapist (we can go garage sale hunting and shop ikea together but she will never make my arm swelling go away!) and she tells me to basically wait until my arm is the size of a buffalo's thigh before I complain. "Take a vicodin,"she says. At this point, I was fuming in my seat but I sat still cause it is what it is. She sends me away, ready for chemo and I sit outside for 45 minutes until I decided, enough is enough - "WHERE IS MY CHEMO!?"

So I bum rush my chemo nurse ("Dude, where in the world is my chemo?") and he tells me to hold on because he is "verifying" my lab.

1) Lab results were available the day before chemo, at a time prior to onc-a-deville's sidekick nurse calling me to confirm my 8 AM appointment.

2) Lab results were available when I was discussing them with onc-a-deville 45 minutes ago.

Why are we just NOW verifying my labs?

Well it turns out, my liver function was acting up. See, when you're in chemo, your liver is all kinds of messed up, which is why it is not advisable to drink. When your liver is all kinds of messed up, it excretes this thing called AST. A normal person's AST should be around 31. At my last chemosification, it was 127 due to chemo and such. Well, turns out it was 87 last week and no matter how close it is to normal, I.. am.. guessing.. its... not?

I really dont know whats going on. They told me to wait it out until this Thursday and we could try again. So Im kinda mad that they made me face my onc when I really didn't have to... now I have to redo the whole sing and dance with her this week and it normally takes 3 weeks from seeing her to rebuild my emotional capacity. Ugh, if I must...

So anyway, Im a bit bummed that I have to wait another week for chemo to be over. I got a little too excited and almost booked my vacation to Vegas. Good thing I didn't because everything goes on hold until Im actually done. Did i jinx myself or what?

On other good news, I am going to the Living Beyond Breast Cancer Annual Conference on November. I am looking forward to the Fear of Recurrence workshop and Journaling for Health and Happiness. Im also going with my best friend of so many years. We lost touch over the past couple of years but I believe cancer brought us back together - I guess life is too short to hold grudges over the most stupid things.

Anyway... just to give y'all a sense of what I do besides complain about cancer, I am sharing my Iphone gallery for a glimpse of my world...

1. I joined a bowling league! We play one Sunday a month and in August 2010, we go to Vegas for a bowling tournament. My final score was 201 for 3 games which means I suck a$$ but I had so much fun! Im surprised my arm isn't sore like everybody's... maybe because I didn't really play so good LOL

2. Beatles Rockband is SO awesome. I could totally be Paul McCartney, I rock the mic eight days a week!! These guys are my bandmates... I am the Gwen Stefani... who else loves Guitar Hero/Rockband? We should totes have a jam sesh.. just sayin... ;)

3. My puppy Camille is the awesomeface. She's a big diva and she doesn't know her name but I love her to death. I am also a proud momma because she is potty trained. :) If cancer totally sterilizes me, I think I'll be fine having her as my child LOL

4. That is me, fat and bald at Lake Castaic. Me and my RLE (real life Edward aka el boyfriend) took our two dogs and had fun some fun in the sun, eventhough it literally hurt because my skin is as sensitive as a baby's butt. He got on the jetski and I ate candy. And slept on a fake chair.

5. And i also managed to go to the beach for one of my friend's birthday. I love the beach but the sun makes it hard... good thing it was sundown when we went. ;)

Well folks, til my next iphone dump/onc rant. Wish me luck for chemo on Wednesday... maybe i should drink to that hah ;)

My After Chemo Resolutions

Dear Friends,

The boyfriend is watching Changeling and he is 95% distracting me as I write this blog. Something about Angelina Jolie and crooked LAPD gets him going. ;) I am sitting here, nurturing the lingering metal taste in my mouth with ice chips - UGH, sooo gross. Anyway, first things first - chemosification #5 on Thursday! Can you believe it? We're at #5 already!! I am -almost- excited... NOT!! I think the only thing that gets me going is the fact that there is only one more left and after this chemosification I can finally go back to living my normal life! I may even go to Vegas to celebrate!

So for the past few weeks I have been running a list in my head of things I would want to accomplish after chemo. You may call them my AC Resolutions since I think its gonna require a lot of work but there are reasons for all of them...

1. Lose weight! I gained about 15 lbs after I started chemo and I am tired of making excuses. I guess half of it could have been the chemo's fault (steriods, etc etc) but I think Id like to place the blame on the large chili cheese fries plate I eat every 3 weeks... or that I stopped exercising... or that my only consolation after chemo has kicked my ass would be ice cream and froyo. I wanna lose the 15 lbs by December so I could look stunning in a evening dress for my company's Christmas party and not be as huge as the Christmas tree...

2. Eat Healthy! I have been reading a lot of cancer books and for some reason a lot of them say that there is something about eating right that helps with recurrence. Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor talked about eating vegan because raw, organic shizz are supposed to kill the cancer cells. Something about organic eating... so maybe Im gonna try being vegan. Its gonna be hard because I love me my poultry but boy, do I hate me some cancer...

3. Grow some fuzz! I cant wait until my hair grows out. I dont even care if it grows out awkward and I look like a Chia pet for a couple months. And then I hope it grows out fast and not nappy. I also hope that my eyelashes grow back longer. And my eyebrows dont grow anymore because after I got it waxed 2 weeks after my first chemo, they never grew back! So they are still perfectly shaped for the past 2 months and I'd like to keep it this way. Saves me $11 every 2 weeks! (This one sounds like something I should ask Santa...)

4. Go to the dentist regularly! OK, i am guilty - I have been ditching the dentist for the past couple few years and I am aware how "unhealthy" they are. Well, chemo made it worse x20. My gums hurt and so did my teeth. There are days I feel like they may fall off but of course, its just the chemo...

(Quick break to let y'all know boyfriend has started tearing up... shifting uncomfortably on the couch after I pointed it out... he is looking for the remote... LOL men are funny!)

5. Go back to school! One thing cancer has pursued me to do is go back to school. For some reason, pre-cancer I have been flopping around with the thought of school and there is nothing like a good dose of "life IS short" reality to bring you back to your priorities. I stopped going to school full time when I got an office job in 2005. When i moved out of my parents, I had to figure out how to live my life and it required devoting myself to making money and paying my bills. I'm not really sure what I want to do yet... I am again flopping around with ideas but at least I have some options now...

6. Being active in getting the word out about Breast Cancer! Y'know what - a lot of people are clueless about breast cancer. They're clueless about the treatments, how to get help and worse, where to start. I would really, really like to help by starting on getting myself educated (reading a lot of books, going to BC workshops, speaking to fellow survivors) and then educate others. I am hoping one day I get to help those in 3rd world countries - the ones who can't afford getting a mammogram, let alone go to the doctors. I wanna be proactive and help... like those who helped me!

7. Find Robert Pattinson and marry him! After everything is done, of course... ;)

As I come across more resolutions or fulfill them over the next few months/years (I am lazy busy and there is no resolution for that yet), Im going to update this entry. I love this post because it gives me a sense of direction... feels like I can almost see the light at the end of this chemo tunnel... I cant wait!!! :)