The Trials of the Research Trial

Prepare yourselves for more bad news... because that is usually the only reason I write here (with the exception of my new hair cut lol). So, take a deep breath because this is gonna be long... it has been a long week and its barely Tuesday so please, bear with me...

They wont treat me because...

wait for it...

...

my chemo port is possibly INFECTED!

I dont know if I ever wrote about trying to be in a research trial while doing chemo. Im too lazy to look back on my entries and its a lot faster if I just (re)explain. So I have been told that its better to be in a research trial (if you qualify) when getting chemo treatments. They give you the same cocktail as regular chemo treatments but also the chemical that theyre testing. The trial I was trying to get in had something to do with remission... that if they gave it to me early, what chances are of remission blah blah blah... (Im sorry, I dont remember the fine print)

PROS
1. One on one time with Gloria, the chemo nurse who is MORE awesome than hot fudge chocolate cake.
2. You get to help the breast cancer community with their findings.
3. It may work.

CONS
THEY ARE SO FREAKING PICKY THAT THEY KEEP DELAYING MY TREATMENT!
First, they needed a sample of my tissue to make sure that I was Her2 positive. (Because the pathologists at Kaiser are dumb and wouldn't know the difference between + and -, right?) Wait time = 1 week
Second, I needed a chemo port so they travelled all the way to hell, picked the damndest one and installed it on my chest (this really isnt their requirement but is needed for the multiple IV poke-a-thons and to save the uni-vein in my ONLY good arm) Wait time = 1 week
Third, they are concerned about cysts in my ovaries (or uterus? idk i am not familiar with the southern organs) so I must be referred to more tests. Wait time = 1 week

And now, they are "concerned" (yes, its so RIDICULOUS that it deserves a "" and italics!) about the infection of my chemo port - which means that unless someone in Kaiser says that it is NO problem to treat me with this infection, there will be MORE wait time. I will have to wait until I am clear of this infection. I will have to keep waiting until they run out of questions.

Or...

I can just throw in the research trial towel and go with regular chemo which means I can start this week. Which means I will be done in 18 weeks. Then I can finish radiation. Then go on with life.

I am so frustrated! I have to make a decision by tomorrow morning... and I dont know what to do... another one of those "Its up to you" (like the mastectomy vs. lumpectomy wasnt hard enough)

Anyway, my port is looking better, right? I hope it doesnt really gross people out because all these scars are leaving me with nothing acceptable to wear... LOL


I have physical therapy tomorrow (I havent been doing the exercises dont tell my therapist! I promise to do it 10 mins before my appt tomorrow ;P) and I get to see my oncologist to discuss this chemo fiasco.

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I wish Blogger supported a cut/jump so I can spare you on the rest of this entry. I am just really frustrated and I dont like venting in person. So you do not have to read the rest, its just how I am feeling...

Since the day I got cancer, I refused to do what most people do when they get diagnosed: Ask "Why me?". Ive been pretty good about it for the past 2 1/2 months - when the thought gets in my head, I rapidly push it away. But all these obstacles - the cancer, the port, the surgery, the mast vs lumpt, the "concerns" of research trial - its hard to be strong when you cant help feeling like you're being challenged or being punished by God...

I have cried 3 times throughout this whole ordeal
1. On the phone with my BFF Susie outside the doctors office the day they told me the bad news, March 22, 2009. About 3 mins to recollect myself.
2. In the car, alone, on my way to see Social Nurse, April 1, 2009. About 4 mins to recollect myself.
3. With my boyfriend, discussing mast vs. lumpt. About 15 mins to recollect myself.

The "Why me?" monster keeps trying to get in and I am losing the strength to push it out... its so hard and I *KNOW* that I am whining, its just that... man, oh man, why cant i get -MORE- breaks? Keep the good news coming, start my chemo, let me lose some weight, no need for radiation, Im cancer free forever... God.. give me something...

And now Im crying. June 9, 2009. Hopefully 7 months to recollect myself....