My Most Embarrassing Experience

So let me tell you a little story...

Last night I went out with my girls. My bff Laura was in town for the weekend and we haven't seen her in months. We went bowling and had some drinks (correction: they did - I vowed to stop drinking after chemo). Then it was 12ish and they decided to go to the bar inside the bowling alley. My friend asks if its fine since I don't drink but I don't really need alcohol to have a good time so I don't decline. I get to the door and this security guy says, "ID please." So I pull it out and I hand it to him.

He looks at me. Then looks back at my ID.

Then he looks at me again. Then back at my ID.

Just silence for the next minute or so until I finally realize what is going on.

"Thats me."

"No it isn't."

"Im pretty sure it is."

He does this condescending grunt. "Huh. Thats not you."

So I laugh nervously and I tell him its me. He says no one more time and I knew my chances of getting in all depends on how good I could convince this MF that I am the same person.

"Do you really want to know why I don't look like that?" He grunts one more time as he waited for my answer.

"I have cancer. I don't have hair." I was about to keep going until I saw that these few words drained the blood from his face as he grabbed the wristband to put it on me. "Don't feel bad," I tried to comfort him.

However, I wish I would have saved the comforting for me. I felt like shit. I was so embarrassed that it took all my courage to stay. I should have gone straight home. My night was ruined and the incident kept playing in my head. I was a little miffed with the security guy, considering he didn't card the rest of my friends and the one time he actually does his job, he gets this trickery from some cancer chick.

I'm over this incident, though. I mostly miffed at myself. I feel like no matter how hard I try to make excuses for myself, I caused this. I am bald. My eyebrows are patchy and my already thin eyelashes are disappearing. I am also 30 lbs overweight - the fattest I have been in my life. Nothing fits me right. I also look tired most of the time, I have lost the will to put on makeup because there are no good results even when I try. I am forced to wear a sleeve that looks like a prosthetic arm.

But I could have been a really hot bald chick. I shouldn't have eaten all those fries. Should have not made excuses for all the junk I ate during chemo. Should not have had those "last suppers" and acted like a hungry, starving child. I also should have kept putting on makeup. Should not have been lazy and used feeling like crap as an excuse to look like crap. Should have kept doing my exercises so my arm doesn't blow up like a balloon.

So now, Im being proactive because chemo is done and I was humiliated beyond belief.

Step 1: I joined a gym and vowed to lose the post chemo weight by December. (If not all, then some.)

Step 2: I am eating healthy. I can eat raw veggies again. No more fries! No more pizza!

Step 3: Put on concealer so I won't look tired all the time. (Im really scared of the eyelash curler pulling out the remaining lashes I have.)

Step 4: Pray to the Lord that my hair grows as fast as possible. Please.

I miss you, old self. Come back soon.

Breast Cancer Awareness

I'd like to dedicate this video montage my friend Megan did in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month to all young women. Please check your boobs - no matter how young, no matter how embarrassing it makes you feel (why am i touching myself?), no matter how impossible the notion of breast cancer to someone under 30 could be.

We are proof that the impossible exists. That there is a chance you are the ONE out of 2000. That no matter how good you plan your life, things may happen that are beyond your control. That no matter how great you look or how much money you have, cancer can invade your almost perfect life. All you can do is fight. And survive to tell the story.

Those who endure, conquer.

Is it in the water?

So, the other day one of my bestfriends Laura texts me out of nowhere:

"I went to the docs today to get my breast examined.. They scheduled me for an ultrasound cause there's something unusual.."

First impression - Disbelief: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

Its so unfair to worry someone at the age of 23. So unfair to require them to get an ultrasound or mammogram and make them suffer that wait. It seriously makes you wonder- what in the H is causing this at this time, at this age? Is it the food? Is it in the water? Is it the fact that we both used to go to a certain restaurant and order margaritas during happy hour? The mindfuck is 1/2 the battle and tests every strength you could muster up - but really? At the age of 23? Are we being PUNK'D?

I knew the feeling she was going through but for some reason, it was so hard to tell her how to feel. I remember the time I had to wait for those results - it was nerve wracking and I wanted to jump off of a cliff. She was nervous too and she knew what I've gone through actually being diagnosed with cancer. She talked to her family and researched the internet. The doctors told her it was just cysts and not to worry because she was too young so Im glad she set them straight by telling them she has a friend who got breast cancer at 23. I'm also glad she didn't wait. It's not a myth, people! Just because you don't normally see these cases don't mean they don't exist. (Side note: this totally strengthens my belief that my fave animales, unicorns, are real.)

Well, she was worried and so was I. I asked everybody I knew to pray for her. My mom says God works miracles and if you pray hard enough, most of the time God listens. My mom told me that she found a lump in her boobage tons of years ago (because my mom is old durrr) but she never told anyone and just prayed. Miraculously, it disappeared. Unfortunately, this was not the case for her dear adorable daughter but I am VERY happy to tell you all that just like my mom, there is nothing wrong with my best friend's tatas. YAY to the fact that cancer wasn't able to get my two favorite people in the world.

But to be very honest (which is the point of this memoir - honesty, a place to whine and spread awareness), I felt a surge of jealousy when she told me she was perfectly fine after this morning. Not because she's fine because I love her to death and would wish nothing but good for her - but because I wish I got the same news that she got. Doctors always deliver those life altering words (ie. - "You're pregnant!" "You have cancer!" "You're perfectly fine!") I know its no use crying over spilled milk. I know these things happen to certain people and God has a plan for all of us but wow, what I would have given at the time to have heard what she did today (maybe half a kidney or something). I know cancer is probably trying to teach me a lesson - this is probably my wake up call. Now all I can do is sigh and accept it - heavy heart and all. In the inspiring words of Dory from Finding Nemo - "Just keep swimming..."

I hope we find a cure for this damn disease soon. If not a cure, maybe a cause. Not just because cancer totally sucks - but I don't think 23 years is enough time to prepare for the intolerable pain caused by the hellish machine I'd like to call mammograms. ;) *SQUISH*

PS - can you all read this awesome article on my YSC friend, Lowry? She freaking ROCKS and it's a great story. You should all read her blog anyway. Because she rocks and stuff. :)

PPS - Last chemo tomorrow. YAYUH! Gonna celebrate this with a big bottle of Patron .......... NOT.

Dear Anonymous Commentor

Wow, some of y'all really liked my last blog. Even got a tweet from one of the bestest artists ever (@LauraJansen) and a comment from one of my fave bloggers, Busy Bee Lauren. Let me admit, I fangirled a bit. Then I got inspirational comments from my facebook friends that just made me so happy.

So I was beaming, up until I read this comment by Anonymous -

WHAT A WON BLOG.
HOWEVER, LACK OF KNOWLEDGE CAUSES SCURVEY, POVERTY AND YES CANCER.
WOULD YOU EVER HAVE HAD ONE OF THE TOP 10 CANCER BLOGS WITHOUT CANCER?
CAN WE TAKE AWAY THE CLOUD?
SCURVY WAS ONCE DEASDLIER AND FASTER THAN CANCER.

BUT, TODAY MORE PEOPLE MAKE A LIVING OFF OF CANCER THAN DIE OF IT.
YOU OWE IT TO WORLD TO KNOW.
DO THE SHOCKING SEARCH, WORLD WITHOUT CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Can you all help me decipher what our dear commenter is saying?

Cause I dont know what caused my cancer - is that lack of knowledge? Is that why I got it, because I never thought about it? Because at age 22, instead of picking up Breast Cancer for Dummies, I chose Twilight?

Cause I could have sworn 'lack of knowledge causes scurvey, poverty and yes, cancer' means that I would probably get scurvey because I dont know what in the H it is and had to check wikipedia and I didnt know its not spelled scurvey, but SCURVY...

Cause I could have sworn you want me to celebrate the fact that if I didn't have cancer, I wouldn't be a part of the Top 10 Breast Cancer Blogs. Because you swear the imaginary award I dont get makes up for the fact that I have a lopsided boob, shiny bald head and suffer menopause at the ripe age of 23. Yes, that is the silver lining in this horrendous cloud you call cancer.

Shoot. I would love to live in a world without cancer. No more mammograms, no more biopsies, no more dying at age 3, 23, 33, 43, 53, 63 betrayed by your own body, no more uncomfortable ports, no more chemo...

Oh Anonymous commentor, next time use more explanation and less !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Love, Me.